It was the first of four weeks that Brooklynn lived after we received the diagnosis that she only had a day to live. So many of our family and friends gathered there faithfully with us to offer prayers and support of any and every kind. Teachers from her school would come by there everyday. Some would share stories of things her friends would say and their great concern for loosing their sweet little friend. One day we received a call from a local Tv station. They had heard of a special project her little friends had came up with to remind people to pray for Brooklynn and he wanted to interview us. The children had made special bracelets of pink, purple and yellow and had spent hours weaving them together. Pink represented love, yellow friendship and purple happiness. The weaving represented all of the friends that had been woven in her life. After the news interview over 500+ were requested on top of the others that had already been made. (we joked with Brooklynn that since she had been on TV she had now became a movie star).The outpouring of love from her school and her friends was overwhelming. It touched our hearts so much and Brooklynns too to know that they loved her so much and was continuing to believe with us for a miracle.
As the week progressed so did the visitors and the gifts. We were so thrilled to have so many people spend the last days of Brookes life with us. Our doorbell rang constantly with gifts flooding in of food, cards, flowers, blankets. You name it and it was there. I can never express enough how much all of that meant to us knowing that people would take time out of their busy lives to help us or just set and talk to us.
One of the most precious keepsakes I have is letters from her school mates, letters that I hid for a year before I would even read them again. Most every letter contained this: Brooklynn, you have always been my best friend, I told you all of my secrets and you never told anyone. I cant wait to see you again in Heaven where you wont need your wheelchair anymore. Their little faith was amazing. Now I see why Jesus said to come to him with the faith of a child.
I read all of these to Brookie and she just smiled, I even placed a bracelet on her little hand. Then I joked with her about how all of these years she had carried the burden of her friends secrets and never even told me. Even tho she was sick we still had so much fun. Being in that room with her was the most spiritual experience in my life. It was as tho Jesus himself was there holding her in his arms............and me to.
The best kiss I ever got
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
#19- How do I tell her??
The word spread quickly of Brooklynn. Before we knew it there was people every where willing and ready to work and do whatever we asked them. It was the most amazing outpouring of Gods love I had ever seen. Our friends moved in with us, our family took leaves from work to stay with us, breakfast lunch and dinner was there just like clockwork, laundry was done daily and the house cleaned nightly so all we had to do was sit and talk to Brooklynn and take care of her. But in the middle of all of this only 1 person didn't know what was going on and that was Brooklynn.
One of my favorite places at my old house was my back porch. I loved it there. Most of the time Brooklynn and I would sit out there. She would swing and I would pray. It was so peaceful and tho it wasn't an actual closet it was my prayer closet. When I was hurt or upset or needed to have a heart to heart with God that's where I went. Now I needed his help more that ever before so off to the back porch I went. I remember a saying "God give us the strength and the courage to tell her. She deserves to know what is going on and I want to be honest with her. Please Lord don't let her be scared and don't let me be scared either. I need the words to speak". Then of course I broke down again and begged God to let me keep her. I know it was selfish but my goodness she was all I had! I needed her!
The next day Brooke's Dr told me a story that totally changed how I looked at things. She told me about a hospital that she worked in and there was a girl there in a wheelchair. She was sick and soon another Dr told our Dr that she would soon die. She was so scared that she avoided the little girl. Every time she would see her she turned and went the other way until one day she caught up with her. The little girl who had wisdom beyond her years looked at our Dr and said, "I want to see you in my room, today!" All day she dreaded going in there but after her rounds she kept her word and went to her room. The little girl looked at her and said, "you have been avoiding me". The Dr said, "yes your right, I have." She then said, "You know that I'm dying don't you. You know I'm dying so you ignored me? Do you know why children like me suffer?.....Because selfish people like you won't let us go..
Brooke's Dr had no idea that story was meant for me. It was time for me to let go. I loved Brooklynn so much that I had to do the selfless thing and let her go. It wasn't about me and how I felt anymore it was about letting Brooklynn finally have the peace and joy that she forever had deserved. I thought no one else could take care of her but there was one who loved her even more than I did, who wanted to hold her just as I did and wanted to give her that healing and pain free life that I had prayed for 10 almost 11 years for. He didn't want to punish me by taking Brooklynn away he wanted to bless me by making her whole and giving her everything her little heart desired.He was giving her everything that I couldn't. That's the kind of God that I serve.
So laying aside our selfishness, putting a smile on our faces, Timmy and I took her hands and began to explain. We began to tell her all about heaven, we named all of our family that was there that she would finally get to meet or see again. We explained how that she would finally be able to ride that bike we had promised her but this time it would have golden wheels and a great big fog horn that would let everyone know to get out of her way. We talked about how that she would be given new legs that worked so that she could finally run and play and roller skate. And then finally, we then pinched our hearts and placed it in her little hands, closed them up and told her that tho we couldn't go with her she could take a piece of our hearts with her and we would keep a piece of hers here with us. And, not to be scared because Jesus who we had told her about her whole life would be right there to take care of her until we got there.
I could never explain to you the smile that was on Brooke's face as we talked to her that day. I know that God had given her peace about what was going on. We wasn't loosing Brooklynn, we know where she was going...... to Heaven
One of my favorite places at my old house was my back porch. I loved it there. Most of the time Brooklynn and I would sit out there. She would swing and I would pray. It was so peaceful and tho it wasn't an actual closet it was my prayer closet. When I was hurt or upset or needed to have a heart to heart with God that's where I went. Now I needed his help more that ever before so off to the back porch I went. I remember a saying "God give us the strength and the courage to tell her. She deserves to know what is going on and I want to be honest with her. Please Lord don't let her be scared and don't let me be scared either. I need the words to speak". Then of course I broke down again and begged God to let me keep her. I know it was selfish but my goodness she was all I had! I needed her!
The next day Brooke's Dr told me a story that totally changed how I looked at things. She told me about a hospital that she worked in and there was a girl there in a wheelchair. She was sick and soon another Dr told our Dr that she would soon die. She was so scared that she avoided the little girl. Every time she would see her she turned and went the other way until one day she caught up with her. The little girl who had wisdom beyond her years looked at our Dr and said, "I want to see you in my room, today!" All day she dreaded going in there but after her rounds she kept her word and went to her room. The little girl looked at her and said, "you have been avoiding me". The Dr said, "yes your right, I have." She then said, "You know that I'm dying don't you. You know I'm dying so you ignored me? Do you know why children like me suffer?.....Because selfish people like you won't let us go..
Brooke's Dr had no idea that story was meant for me. It was time for me to let go. I loved Brooklynn so much that I had to do the selfless thing and let her go. It wasn't about me and how I felt anymore it was about letting Brooklynn finally have the peace and joy that she forever had deserved. I thought no one else could take care of her but there was one who loved her even more than I did, who wanted to hold her just as I did and wanted to give her that healing and pain free life that I had prayed for 10 almost 11 years for. He didn't want to punish me by taking Brooklynn away he wanted to bless me by making her whole and giving her everything her little heart desired.He was giving her everything that I couldn't. That's the kind of God that I serve.
So laying aside our selfishness, putting a smile on our faces, Timmy and I took her hands and began to explain. We began to tell her all about heaven, we named all of our family that was there that she would finally get to meet or see again. We explained how that she would finally be able to ride that bike we had promised her but this time it would have golden wheels and a great big fog horn that would let everyone know to get out of her way. We talked about how that she would be given new legs that worked so that she could finally run and play and roller skate. And then finally, we then pinched our hearts and placed it in her little hands, closed them up and told her that tho we couldn't go with her she could take a piece of our hearts with her and we would keep a piece of hers here with us. And, not to be scared because Jesus who we had told her about her whole life would be right there to take care of her until we got there.
I could never explain to you the smile that was on Brooke's face as we talked to her that day. I know that God had given her peace about what was going on. We wasn't loosing Brooklynn, we know where she was going...... to Heaven
Monday, May 2, 2011
#18- God sends who we need before we can even ask
The next day we were released to go home. But not before they asked us a very important question. Did we want Brooklynn to die at home or in the hospital and the answer was very simple. We didn't want her to die at all.
We took her home and Dr. Cottrill called us and asked if we would let hospice come and help. I immediately said no. I had heard so many horror stories of how that they gave people too much morphine and Timmy and I wanted no part of that but its funny how God will let the truth be known.
I called her doctors office and let her doctor know what was going on. She was very sad and said that she was sorry. But the next day a different doctor showed up at our house, Dr Fackler. She had only seen Brooke a few times but had heard what was going on. I remember her sweet little face and her saying, "I don't know that I can help but I'm here to do whatever I can", and that she did. She spent more time at our house than with her own family, even canceling patients to spend time with us.
After a few days, I was having trouble getting all of Brooklynns prescriptions picked up. Some were out and they had to call Dr. Cottrill for refills. While I was setting in the drive thru at Kroger Dr Cottrill called me. She said, "Millie, please please let me call Hospice. Just let them come and talk to you because you are going to need their help." After much thought and prayer I agreed to let them just come and talk to us. I explained to them how worried I was about the whole morphine thing and they had heard that story before. They promised that if I would let them help us that they would never even mention morphine.Timmy and I talked and a couple of days later we agree to let them come in. That was the best decision we ever made.
The first nurse came out and brought all of Brooke's meds. She was really nice but she gave me morphine and told me to just keep it in the cabinet in case we needed it. I was a little freaked out but I never said anything. The next day there was a different nurse there, Monica. She told me that she had heard about Brooke and had children of her own. She wanted to know if she could take on the case. Later, I learned that she was over the nurses and didn't even have any patients but felt like God had told her to take Brooklynns case. After only a visit or two I knew that God had sent her right to us. He was giving us everything we need b4 we would even have time to ask.
We took her home and Dr. Cottrill called us and asked if we would let hospice come and help. I immediately said no. I had heard so many horror stories of how that they gave people too much morphine and Timmy and I wanted no part of that but its funny how God will let the truth be known.
I called her doctors office and let her doctor know what was going on. She was very sad and said that she was sorry. But the next day a different doctor showed up at our house, Dr Fackler. She had only seen Brooke a few times but had heard what was going on. I remember her sweet little face and her saying, "I don't know that I can help but I'm here to do whatever I can", and that she did. She spent more time at our house than with her own family, even canceling patients to spend time with us.
After a few days, I was having trouble getting all of Brooklynns prescriptions picked up. Some were out and they had to call Dr. Cottrill for refills. While I was setting in the drive thru at Kroger Dr Cottrill called me. She said, "Millie, please please let me call Hospice. Just let them come and talk to you because you are going to need their help." After much thought and prayer I agreed to let them just come and talk to us. I explained to them how worried I was about the whole morphine thing and they had heard that story before. They promised that if I would let them help us that they would never even mention morphine.Timmy and I talked and a couple of days later we agree to let them come in. That was the best decision we ever made.
The first nurse came out and brought all of Brooke's meds. She was really nice but she gave me morphine and told me to just keep it in the cabinet in case we needed it. I was a little freaked out but I never said anything. The next day there was a different nurse there, Monica. She told me that she had heard about Brooke and had children of her own. She wanted to know if she could take on the case. Later, I learned that she was over the nurses and didn't even have any patients but felt like God had told her to take Brooklynns case. After only a visit or two I knew that God had sent her right to us. He was giving us everything we need b4 we would even have time to ask.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
#17-The news that no parent ever wants to hear -Part 3
I finally found my way out of wherever I was and I headed to school. I hated telling Ms. Linda as bad as I hated being told myself. She loved Brooke so much too and I knew this news would probably crush her. I remember walking down that hallway of that school. There were so many good memories there. I also remember thinking "this is it", "this is the very end of everything." I asked Ms. Linda to walk me out to the van and I told her that Brooke wouldn't be back to school, she was only given days to live and we wanted to spend her last days at home with her. She agreed and just as I expected she was crushed. I slowly pulled out of the parking lot for the last time and we went home where Timmy was waiting on us.
That evening about 5:00pm, Brooklynn spiked a fever of 104. I immediately called Dr Cottrill just like she told me to and we took her straight to U.K. We went through the ER where we were taken immediately to MRI. I went in with her and I remember her laying there so still. She was the best little girl and its like she knew that we really needed that test. I stood there beside her praying that there would be a miracle. That God had allowed her heart and brain to be healed.
They admitted her and the next day the doctor who was on call would make his rounds and tell us the results.
We were hanging out laying in the bed playing and watching TV when I saw the doctor go by with all of the interns. A few minutes later he went by again, and then again but he never came into our room. We were praying so hard for a miracle. And I thought that maybe he was saving our room till the end, you know..the best news for last. But that was not what God had planned.
The doctor finally came in but this time he was alone. He had made his rounds with the interns but he wanted to talk to us alone. When I saw tears streaming down his face I knew it was time to accept what had been laid before us. It was just like Dr Cottrill had said. Her little brain had deteriorated over the past 10 years. Soon her body would begin to shut down. After he left I walked out of the room to get some air. When I opened my door I saw all of the nurses standing there with tears in their eyes. As I walked away I even heard a nurse say, "there's the lady who's daughter is dying." I have never felt so helpless in my life. I went outside and set on a bench and cried like a baby. I was a mad at God and I just wanted to tell him. I layed it all out before him right there on that bench and I didn't care who saw or heard me.I was sure there had been some kind of a mistake, she was only 10yrs old. A mother should never outlive her child. I remember praying, "please make this stop, please. I don't want to be that lady who's daughter is dying. You can fix this God, I know you can. Please please Make.. This... Go...Away!
That evening about 5:00pm, Brooklynn spiked a fever of 104. I immediately called Dr Cottrill just like she told me to and we took her straight to U.K. We went through the ER where we were taken immediately to MRI. I went in with her and I remember her laying there so still. She was the best little girl and its like she knew that we really needed that test. I stood there beside her praying that there would be a miracle. That God had allowed her heart and brain to be healed.
They admitted her and the next day the doctor who was on call would make his rounds and tell us the results.
We were hanging out laying in the bed playing and watching TV when I saw the doctor go by with all of the interns. A few minutes later he went by again, and then again but he never came into our room. We were praying so hard for a miracle. And I thought that maybe he was saving our room till the end, you know..the best news for last. But that was not what God had planned.
The doctor finally came in but this time he was alone. He had made his rounds with the interns but he wanted to talk to us alone. When I saw tears streaming down his face I knew it was time to accept what had been laid before us. It was just like Dr Cottrill had said. Her little brain had deteriorated over the past 10 years. Soon her body would begin to shut down. After he left I walked out of the room to get some air. When I opened my door I saw all of the nurses standing there with tears in their eyes. As I walked away I even heard a nurse say, "there's the lady who's daughter is dying." I have never felt so helpless in my life. I went outside and set on a bench and cried like a baby. I was a mad at God and I just wanted to tell him. I layed it all out before him right there on that bench and I didn't care who saw or heard me.I was sure there had been some kind of a mistake, she was only 10yrs old. A mother should never outlive her child. I remember praying, "please make this stop, please. I don't want to be that lady who's daughter is dying. You can fix this God, I know you can. Please please Make.. This... Go...Away!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
#16 The news that no parent ever wants to hear-part 2
After our lengthy conversation one thing I remembered Dr. Cottrill telling me was that if Brooklynn got the least bit sick or ran a fever to call her and they would admit her in UK and do an MRI. If we had just scheduled one then it would take months and Brooklynn wouldn't live that long. She told me that she would probably pass away in her sleep but not to sit up and watch her all night and last but not least to keep her life as normal as possible. To let her continue to go to school as long as she could.
I walked into the waiting room where Greg was. I don't know what my face looked like but he never said a word. When I got Brooke in the car I told Greg that we had gotten some bad news. I didn't want to tell him the extent because you just have to know Greg-O. I didn't want to scare him.
I drove home with my hands gripping that steering wheel so tight that there was no feeling left in them. My sister called and said," Millie is everything ok? I have a really bad feeling?" I cant remember exactly what I said but I think I told her that the Dr had lost her mind and told me that Brooklynn only had days to live. After I said it out loud I begin to cry. I knew what she told me was truth, I just didn't know how to process it.
I then called Timmy and by this time I was all to pieces. He told me to stay there and he would come get me but I couldn't take my hand off the wheel or my foot off the pedal. It was all stuck and I was frozen. I kept looking in my rear view mirror at Brooklynn thinking how can I tell her? How can I tell her that she only has days to live? Did I let her down? Did I not pray enough? And finally, ..How can I ever live without her? She had only spent 1 night away from us in her entire 10 almost 11 years! She slept with us every nite. If we ate she ate, If we went somewhere she went with us. We were nearly 1 whole person. Our whole life was to make her healthy and happy.
Timmy kept calling me and finally told me to stop at Nanna and Poppas and wait there on him. He had called them and when I got there they were waiting outside. I let go of that steering wheel and stepped out and when I did my legs felt like spaghetti. I couldn't walk. I couldn't think. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.
I still today don't remember how we got there but somehow we got home. When we pulled in there were several of our close friends there from church. I think Pastor Mark was there too. I told them the news and how that Brooklynn only had days to live. I remember them saying what can we do and this is what I replied. " I know that Brooklynn will be ok. I'm praying that God will miraculously heal her but if he chooses to take her and leave me here..don't let me die too. What I meant by that was this...Don't let me be left here a dead woman on the inside, locked in my room, laying in bed, living life but not doing a thing for God and his kingdom. Don't let me grieve myself to death and die spiritually.
That night Timmy and I bought a blow up mattress, laid it in the living room floor and we took turns sleeping. The next morning I got Brooke up, got her dressed and Timmy took her to school singing her favorite songs just like Dr. Cottrill told us to.
I was in total and complete shock to the point that I was literally out of my mind. I went to the office, walked in looked at everyone and walked straight back to my office. I set there and stared at the wall for an hour. I then got up walked to the front and looked at Nicole and said,"You are never going to believe what the Dr told us yesterday, she told us Brooklynn has days to live." I remember her asking me if I was ok. I think I said, "I'm going home". I cant really remember I just remember crying and seeing tears running down her face too. I have always hated storms especially driving in them. I called my dad to tell him the news.I dreaded calling him worse than anything in this world. Him and Brooke were best buddies and I didn't think he would be strong enough to survive. It was a heart wrenching conversation to say the least. When I hung up the phone with him I looked around and I was lost on a back road way out somewhere in Nancy and it was coming a horrible storm. I've always been very scared of bad storms but not that day. I looked up at the sky and thought what can be worse than what we are going through..... let it storm.
I walked into the waiting room where Greg was. I don't know what my face looked like but he never said a word. When I got Brooke in the car I told Greg that we had gotten some bad news. I didn't want to tell him the extent because you just have to know Greg-O. I didn't want to scare him.
I drove home with my hands gripping that steering wheel so tight that there was no feeling left in them. My sister called and said," Millie is everything ok? I have a really bad feeling?" I cant remember exactly what I said but I think I told her that the Dr had lost her mind and told me that Brooklynn only had days to live. After I said it out loud I begin to cry. I knew what she told me was truth, I just didn't know how to process it.
I then called Timmy and by this time I was all to pieces. He told me to stay there and he would come get me but I couldn't take my hand off the wheel or my foot off the pedal. It was all stuck and I was frozen. I kept looking in my rear view mirror at Brooklynn thinking how can I tell her? How can I tell her that she only has days to live? Did I let her down? Did I not pray enough? And finally, ..How can I ever live without her? She had only spent 1 night away from us in her entire 10 almost 11 years! She slept with us every nite. If we ate she ate, If we went somewhere she went with us. We were nearly 1 whole person. Our whole life was to make her healthy and happy.
Timmy kept calling me and finally told me to stop at Nanna and Poppas and wait there on him. He had called them and when I got there they were waiting outside. I let go of that steering wheel and stepped out and when I did my legs felt like spaghetti. I couldn't walk. I couldn't think. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.
I still today don't remember how we got there but somehow we got home. When we pulled in there were several of our close friends there from church. I think Pastor Mark was there too. I told them the news and how that Brooklynn only had days to live. I remember them saying what can we do and this is what I replied. " I know that Brooklynn will be ok. I'm praying that God will miraculously heal her but if he chooses to take her and leave me here..don't let me die too. What I meant by that was this...Don't let me be left here a dead woman on the inside, locked in my room, laying in bed, living life but not doing a thing for God and his kingdom. Don't let me grieve myself to death and die spiritually.
That night Timmy and I bought a blow up mattress, laid it in the living room floor and we took turns sleeping. The next morning I got Brooke up, got her dressed and Timmy took her to school singing her favorite songs just like Dr. Cottrill told us to.
I was in total and complete shock to the point that I was literally out of my mind. I went to the office, walked in looked at everyone and walked straight back to my office. I set there and stared at the wall for an hour. I then got up walked to the front and looked at Nicole and said,"You are never going to believe what the Dr told us yesterday, she told us Brooklynn has days to live." I remember her asking me if I was ok. I think I said, "I'm going home". I cant really remember I just remember crying and seeing tears running down her face too. I have always hated storms especially driving in them. I called my dad to tell him the news.I dreaded calling him worse than anything in this world. Him and Brooke were best buddies and I didn't think he would be strong enough to survive. It was a heart wrenching conversation to say the least. When I hung up the phone with him I looked around and I was lost on a back road way out somewhere in Nancy and it was coming a horrible storm. I've always been very scared of bad storms but not that day. I looked up at the sky and thought what can be worse than what we are going through..... let it storm.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
#15 The news that no parent ever wants to hear- part 1
As I mentioned in my last blog it was Brooklynns last year at Southern Elem at I was so worried about how she would make it at middle school with Ms. Linda. In was leaning more and more toward the idea of just quitting my job and staying home with her when suddenly things took a different turn.
Brooklynn's hip had become increasingly worse. After 3 or 4 sets of the injections sadly they were no longer working. Her hip was so painful that she had to sleep sitting straight up on the couch with her leg propped up every night and I slept right beside her. She had had her birthday party right before school started and everyone commented on how swollen she was. I hadn't noticed it but now looking back at her birthday pictures I don't know how I missed it, she weighed 105lbs!. People would constantly say, "what are you going to do, she is getting so big?" I would say, "God is going to work it out, I trust him., " Or i would say, " Maybe Ill just strap her to my belt and put roller skates on her". I didn't worry one time about the next day or even that day. God had brought her this far and I knew he would continue to take care of her. As long as he had given us the strength to lift her that's what we would do.
Finally her Dr at Shriners said that we were out of options with her hip. We would have to consult her heart dr to see if she could have the surgery.We were so excited to see her heart doctor. She had been her doctor for years and was in a wheel chair too.She adored Brooke along with all of her patients. After a catch-up session she did an echo cardiogram on her heart and said it looked good, all except for her right valve that was leaking a little. That was minor tho compared to what all had been done to her heart. I told her our concerns and she said something to me that made me feel like all the world got quiet and listened. She said, "Millie, what is worse? Living like she is in this pain or dying? What is wrong with going to Heaven anyway? I thought about that and I said you are right. I mean we live our whole life to get to heaven but then we are scared to death to go there?? It doesn't really make sense does it. Even though I thought that, I knew that God wouldn't let her die. To me, she was indestructible. She had lived through everything under the sun from chicken pox to pneumonia. She was 10 yrs old and had been in the hospital 7 out of those 10 yrs.
I informed her that Brooke was going to live a long life of good health and prosperity according to my prayers, so she said , "Well then, if she is going to live a long life we need to get her fixed." But before I could even schedule her for surgery things started happening. I picked her up from school that week and she was terribly sleepy, so sleepy in fact that she was drinking...got strangled... and couldn't even wake up to cough. Both of her feet were swollen the size of footballs, and her teachers thought she was having small seizures at school. Just a few months before that she had had a major seizure on Timmy and I that landed her an extensive stay in the hospital.
So, I made her an appointment at her local dr here to see what was going on. She looked at her and said that she felt like her hip was infected. I know that everyone makes mistakes and doctors really just guess like we do but something was not feeling right deep inside. God allows a mother to know when their children are sick and I knew something was wrong. I called her heart doctor and she immediately told me to bring her in. Timmy couldn't go with me that day so Greg (nanna n poppas son) went with me. After all, we had just been there the week before and everything was perfect. She would just check her out, give her some meds and we would be on our merry way. That's not quiet what happened.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. Here I was playing with Brooke as usual in a room that was grey with no windows. The nurse walked in, asked me some questions, I answered them. Nothing unusual just the same old stuff. Then came Dr Cottrill, she said "How is my baby and what is going on?" I told her about her sleeping so much and how her feet were swollen. She asked me if she could step out for a minute, I said yes.
I thought that odd but thought there must have been an emergency, no big deal. A few minutes later she came back in but not by herself. This time she had a nurse with her. She said, " Millie,you need to set down.I don't know how to tell you this but there comes a time in children like Brooke's life that Jesus just needs them in heaven and he calls them home." "What???? Are you crazy?" I thought. The only way describe that moment was like this..I felt like I was in a bad dream and those walls were falling in on me and there was no way out. It was as if someone was playing a really bad joke on me and they would jump out any minute and there would be some relief. After I took a minute to really grasp hold of what she was saying I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She then repeated herself. After I listened to the whole thing again and a little more I said," How can you tell me this. How can you possibly know how long she will live? You haven't ran one test on her you haven't even done blood work and your looking at her telling me that she is going to die." I don't know if I was mad, in disbelief or just in total shock. She then looked at me and said something I never expected. She said, " Millie, the reason I know this is because my daughter was just like Brooke and she died of the very same thing."
I was absolutely speechless. At that moment, I knew that she knew exactly what she was talking about.
Brooklynn's hip had become increasingly worse. After 3 or 4 sets of the injections sadly they were no longer working. Her hip was so painful that she had to sleep sitting straight up on the couch with her leg propped up every night and I slept right beside her. She had had her birthday party right before school started and everyone commented on how swollen she was. I hadn't noticed it but now looking back at her birthday pictures I don't know how I missed it, she weighed 105lbs!. People would constantly say, "what are you going to do, she is getting so big?" I would say, "God is going to work it out, I trust him., " Or i would say, " Maybe Ill just strap her to my belt and put roller skates on her". I didn't worry one time about the next day or even that day. God had brought her this far and I knew he would continue to take care of her. As long as he had given us the strength to lift her that's what we would do.
Finally her Dr at Shriners said that we were out of options with her hip. We would have to consult her heart dr to see if she could have the surgery.We were so excited to see her heart doctor. She had been her doctor for years and was in a wheel chair too.She adored Brooke along with all of her patients. After a catch-up session she did an echo cardiogram on her heart and said it looked good, all except for her right valve that was leaking a little. That was minor tho compared to what all had been done to her heart. I told her our concerns and she said something to me that made me feel like all the world got quiet and listened. She said, "Millie, what is worse? Living like she is in this pain or dying? What is wrong with going to Heaven anyway? I thought about that and I said you are right. I mean we live our whole life to get to heaven but then we are scared to death to go there?? It doesn't really make sense does it. Even though I thought that, I knew that God wouldn't let her die. To me, she was indestructible. She had lived through everything under the sun from chicken pox to pneumonia. She was 10 yrs old and had been in the hospital 7 out of those 10 yrs.
I informed her that Brooke was going to live a long life of good health and prosperity according to my prayers, so she said , "Well then, if she is going to live a long life we need to get her fixed." But before I could even schedule her for surgery things started happening. I picked her up from school that week and she was terribly sleepy, so sleepy in fact that she was drinking...got strangled... and couldn't even wake up to cough. Both of her feet were swollen the size of footballs, and her teachers thought she was having small seizures at school. Just a few months before that she had had a major seizure on Timmy and I that landed her an extensive stay in the hospital.
So, I made her an appointment at her local dr here to see what was going on. She looked at her and said that she felt like her hip was infected. I know that everyone makes mistakes and doctors really just guess like we do but something was not feeling right deep inside. God allows a mother to know when their children are sick and I knew something was wrong. I called her heart doctor and she immediately told me to bring her in. Timmy couldn't go with me that day so Greg (nanna n poppas son) went with me. After all, we had just been there the week before and everything was perfect. She would just check her out, give her some meds and we would be on our merry way. That's not quiet what happened.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. Here I was playing with Brooke as usual in a room that was grey with no windows. The nurse walked in, asked me some questions, I answered them. Nothing unusual just the same old stuff. Then came Dr Cottrill, she said "How is my baby and what is going on?" I told her about her sleeping so much and how her feet were swollen. She asked me if she could step out for a minute, I said yes.
I thought that odd but thought there must have been an emergency, no big deal. A few minutes later she came back in but not by herself. This time she had a nurse with her. She said, " Millie,you need to set down.I don't know how to tell you this but there comes a time in children like Brooke's life that Jesus just needs them in heaven and he calls them home." "What???? Are you crazy?" I thought. The only way describe that moment was like this..I felt like I was in a bad dream and those walls were falling in on me and there was no way out. It was as if someone was playing a really bad joke on me and they would jump out any minute and there would be some relief. After I took a minute to really grasp hold of what she was saying I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She then repeated herself. After I listened to the whole thing again and a little more I said," How can you tell me this. How can you possibly know how long she will live? You haven't ran one test on her you haven't even done blood work and your looking at her telling me that she is going to die." I don't know if I was mad, in disbelief or just in total shock. She then looked at me and said something I never expected. She said, " Millie, the reason I know this is because my daughter was just like Brooke and she died of the very same thing."
I was absolutely speechless. At that moment, I knew that she knew exactly what she was talking about.
Monday, April 4, 2011
#14 Boyfriends??? Seriously??
It was Brooklynns 5th grade yr at Southern and I was so sad. I couldn't help but worry about her moving on to Middle School. Especially when I realized that Ms. Linda couldn't go with her. I started praying the first day of school that God would do something miraculous so that I could either stay home with her or Ms. Linda could go. She had been at Southern 8 yrs total! 2 yrs of preschool, kindergarten and now she was a big 5th grader!! We were so proud of her and she had made sooooo many friends along the way and one little boy who thought she was pretty special..make that 2 little boys.
Shelby who is an awesome little boy was and had been her BFF since 1st grade. He was in a wheelchair too and reminded me so much of Brooklynn. The teacher would snap pics of them laying side by side, holding hands!! They cracked me up. Neither of them could talk but the new exactly what each other was saying. One day I picked Brooklynn up and she and Shelby were sitting side by side in their wheelchairs. I released her brake and I noticed that she still wasn't going. I looked down and Shelby had a hold of her. I said, "Shelby, it's me.Can I take Brooke home with me?" He looked at me and smiled and let go. On the way home I said,"ah ah Brookie, you and Shelby love each other." I looked in the rear view mirror at her and she was rolling her eyes!!
Then came Jeremy. He could walk and talk he just functioned at a lower level. When he talked he sounded just like Forrest Gump. When Timmy would take her to school in the mornings he was there to great them. He would say in his Forrest Gump voice and accent,"what kind of van do you Timmy." Timmy would say, "I have a Chevy with a lift for Brooke's wheelchair Jeremy, why?" "Well, I was needing to borrow it. Me and Brookie are going fishing down at the pond." "You are?" Timmy would say. "Yep, she loves me and I love her. I'm going to build me a cabin for us and were gonna get us a van just like yours so I can take her places."
It was the funniest conversations you have ever heard. One morning he met him and said, "I was talking to Brookie yesterday and she said she sure does love you.....now you tell me that she loves me." Timmy said "Jeremy Brookie said she loves you too." It was so much fun just to hear what he had to say every morning and listen to him talk. I told Timmy that even tho Brooke didn't talk I felt like God allowed them to communicate. He is just good like that.
That year started off so wonderful but Brooklynn's health started to deteriorate. We didn't notice it at the time, but looking back at pictures you could see how swollen she really was. It wouldn't be too much longer that we would receive the news that no parent ever ever wants to hear.
Shelby who is an awesome little boy was and had been her BFF since 1st grade. He was in a wheelchair too and reminded me so much of Brooklynn. The teacher would snap pics of them laying side by side, holding hands!! They cracked me up. Neither of them could talk but the new exactly what each other was saying. One day I picked Brooklynn up and she and Shelby were sitting side by side in their wheelchairs. I released her brake and I noticed that she still wasn't going. I looked down and Shelby had a hold of her. I said, "Shelby, it's me.Can I take Brooke home with me?" He looked at me and smiled and let go. On the way home I said,"ah ah Brookie, you and Shelby love each other." I looked in the rear view mirror at her and she was rolling her eyes!!
Then came Jeremy. He could walk and talk he just functioned at a lower level. When he talked he sounded just like Forrest Gump. When Timmy would take her to school in the mornings he was there to great them. He would say in his Forrest Gump voice and accent,"what kind of van do you Timmy." Timmy would say, "I have a Chevy with a lift for Brooke's wheelchair Jeremy, why?" "Well, I was needing to borrow it. Me and Brookie are going fishing down at the pond." "You are?" Timmy would say. "Yep, she loves me and I love her. I'm going to build me a cabin for us and were gonna get us a van just like yours so I can take her places."
It was the funniest conversations you have ever heard. One morning he met him and said, "I was talking to Brookie yesterday and she said she sure does love you.....now you tell me that she loves me." Timmy said "Jeremy Brookie said she loves you too." It was so much fun just to hear what he had to say every morning and listen to him talk. I told Timmy that even tho Brooke didn't talk I felt like God allowed them to communicate. He is just good like that.
That year started off so wonderful but Brooklynn's health started to deteriorate. We didn't notice it at the time, but looking back at pictures you could see how swollen she really was. It wouldn't be too much longer that we would receive the news that no parent ever ever wants to hear.
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