Romans 8:28 says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, this is the scripture that we seemed to live by throughout Brooklynns life. It would seem that whatever sickness, whatever adversary we faced that day or that week we would place it in God's hands and it would be done. But there comes a time when things catch us off guard and our Fight or Flight kicks in and Flight seems like the quickest and easiest way out, which brings me to my next blog.
Brooklynn was 5 and had started her first year in her new kindergarten class and I was a Headstart teacher at Burnside Elementary. All was well in life concerning our new family but there was always that little voice in the back of my mind that said, "I wonder when her real dad or what we always referred to as "sperm donor" will show back up?" After our divorce because of the abuse he was only allowed 2 hours every other week visitation and that was only if he completed the parenting classes. It wasn't long until he no longer kept up the visitation and soon after we moved to Somerset. Every now and then I would pass him on the road and he would stare at me as to say, "you better be scared of me". But after awhile I just stared back and prayed that I didn't run him off the road for the things he had said and done to us. So I began to pray that God would somehow, someway allow Timmy to adopt Brooklynn. It seemed such a stretch to pray such a thing but look what God had already done for us and after all is anything to difficult for him?
A couple of weeks later while I was teaching class a knock came on the classroom door, it was an attorney. He said Ms.King, I'm here to inform you that you are being served. "Served? For What?" "Well, your ex-husband is wanting visitation ." I said "Why? why does he want to see her now, it has been years since he saw her last and now he wants to see her, this makes no sense?" But then he told me the real reason and it of course had to do with money. I was furious. I said, "Sir, you have no idea who you are representing", and he said, "I'm just getting paid to do my job", and I said, "somethings aren't worth the money". He left and I walked back into my room angry and crying. I couldn't believe that God was allowing this to happen. I reasoned over and over in my mind what would happen. What if the judge didn't listen to me, what if he believed him instead? How could I bare to make her spend time with him and besides that what about her health, it was so fragile. How could he feed her? She only ate for me and her aide. I was an absolute wreck.
After much plotting and pondering I came up with an idea and it was so far from God's plan. My flight instinct had kicked in and it was going full blast. I had decided that first I would offer him money to just sign over his rights, (i know your probably laughing but it was the best I could come up with in such short notice). My back up plan was even worse, If he didn't take the money I was going to pack our bags and Brooklynn and I would leave the country for a year. See how rampant and silly our minds go when we block God out. I finally had had just about enough. I was on my way to mom and dads and my head and heart was worn out. I just stopped on the road and said, "God, I am so sorry. I give this whole situation to you. Lord, you have done so many miracles for us how could I have thought such silly things. I just pray that somehow you would allow him to sign his rights over. More than that Lord I pray that we never have to even see the judge." I don't know about you but sometimes I pray and believe that God hears and other times I pray and I KNOW that God hears. That was one prayer I know that God heard.
The next morning was court. I woke up and thought my face felt a little weird. I walked in the bathroom looked in the mirror and I was covered in whelks. One of me eyes was almost completely swelled shut. Then I went to get in my car and had a flat tire. I knew then that something good was about to happen. We went to the Courthouse and due to construction we had to meet in this little tiny room. We were squished in there like sardines. I stared at the clock to keep from having to look at him sitting right in front of me. It was 8:50 and his attorney bent down to me and asked if we could talk in private. We walked out side and he said," Ms.King this is a strange request and you may not agree with it but I have to ask anyway. He is asking that you would allow him to relinquish all rights to your daughter." Tears streamed down my face and I said this is what I have been praying for. He smiled so big at me, hugged my neck and said, "I remember what you told me that day about somethings aren't worth taking money for and you were exactly right." My attorney came in and held me and we cried together. She handed me a paper and said, "we don't even have to see the judge." I just looked up and smiled at God just as he had smiled on me that day. On our way home we were calling everyone. It was official, Timmy was the proud father of a baby girl. She weighed 32lbs and was 35 inches tall. Even tho I was so happy I still cried. I cried because of two reasons, one was that I couldn't believe that someone could just hand over something so precious? She was our treasure, how could anyone sleep at night and not see those great big eyelashes or wake up and not see her smiling face. To have given her up for me would have been unimaginable.The 2nd reason I cried was because for the very first time he had finally done the right thing for Brooklynn and I had finally forgiven him. I could finally be free, free of night mares, free of those dreaded thoughts and worries, free of every angry thought that I had bottled up in my heart and mind. Free of everything!
Now, if you notice at the beginning of this post I wrote how that a few weeks before this I had prayed that God would somehow, someway allow Timmy to adopt Brooklynn. Well, this was God's way of allowing this to happen. If only I had know from the beginning I could have saved my self alot of worrying and lost sleep, even a few silly thoughts. But just as I said before, all things work together for good of those who love him. Sometimes we go through somethings that seems the total opposite of God's will.We think that God has simply abandoned us, hung us out to dry but he hasn't. Often we have to walk through the valley to get to the top of the mountain. Simply put...trust in him, dont look at the situation and watch what he will do. Through him, we are winners everytime!
The best kiss I ever got
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
#8-Raising Brooke, Serious Business or Monkey Business??
Brooklynns deteriorating health had its serious side, like the numerous hospital stays her needing constant care and other issues but that didn't keep it from being fun. Sure it was scary when her fever would spike in the middle of the night and we would have to rush her to the hospital (and no it never got easier, I think it got harder) but God always gave us laughter. Brooklynn didn't talk but she let us know what she wanted with her actions and her eyes. She loved loved loved to watch TV so the last time I tried to put her little chunky body in a pair of tights I held her up and tried to shake her into them. With sweat rolling of my brow I put her back down and informed her that she needed to go on Jenny Craig. She cackled out laughing.
Every morning Timmy took her to school he would sing Happy Birthday and tell her it was her birthday. Then he would sing Brookie Brookie Brookie is my chocolate chip cookie. She couldn't set in a car seat so until we got a van with a lift in it we would have to lay her in the seat and strap the belt around her. Well, one morning while Timmy was singing he forgot to strap her in and she rolled right out into the floor! He stopped and picked her up and she just looked at him as to say,"you really are crazy aren't you."
Brooklynn also had a weak stomach and would projectile vomit. We was watching Passion of the Christ the first year it came out at the movies. There was this man in front of us who had his hair glued to his head in hairspray. The whole movie he kept rubbing the back of his head making sure nothing was out of place. Well...on the scene where they beat Jesus Brooklynn lost it and guess where it went. Yea well lets just say she and I snuck out and he probably didn't receive salvation that day, lol.
On one vacation we were at a really nice restaurant when I noticed Brooke needed her diaper changed. There was no place to lay her because she was so big so I took her out to the van and tried to very discretely change her. The parking lot was filling fast so in my efforts to hurry I jerked her diaper off. It is no secret that anything hard and shaped like a ball will roll so, here it goes rolling down the parking lot. It was like slow motion going right in front of the feet of the people entering the restaurant! Timmy said go get it and I said what am I suppose to do chase it down the parking lot and say, "excuse me this belongs to me". Let's just call it "the one that got away", LOL.
When Brooklynn was around 3 I started noticing changes in her body, ones that weren't normal. I took her to the doctor and they send her to an endocrinologist. He called Brooklynn a Princess and he asked her if he put a pea under her mattress would she fell it because she was so pampered. He then diagnosed her with early puberty. Her pituitary gland had been damaged from the stroke so it had no idea how old she was and sent her into puberty. They gave her a shot every month to slow it down but by first grade it was pretty noticeable. The night before the first day of school I was crying to Timmy about it. I said, "how many 1st graders have breast, I feel so sorry for her". Timmy looked so funny and said, "That's not a bad thing. She'll stroll into her class room raise her shirt and say...look girls, I bet none of you all have a set of these!"
Sure, I did my share to. Like the time I accidentally put her ear drops in her eyes, and the time I fell with her in the parking lot and how could I ever forget when she was in ICU and I clipped her nails and cut her finger. It wouldn't have been so bad but I jumped up and asked the nurse if she needed to go to the ER???? But who's keeping score..right??
We had a bad situation but God always gave us laughter. The Bible says if you sew tears you will reap joy. We sewed many tears but the joy of having her was unimaginable!
Every morning Timmy took her to school he would sing Happy Birthday and tell her it was her birthday. Then he would sing Brookie Brookie Brookie is my chocolate chip cookie. She couldn't set in a car seat so until we got a van with a lift in it we would have to lay her in the seat and strap the belt around her. Well, one morning while Timmy was singing he forgot to strap her in and she rolled right out into the floor! He stopped and picked her up and she just looked at him as to say,"you really are crazy aren't you."
Brooklynn also had a weak stomach and would projectile vomit. We was watching Passion of the Christ the first year it came out at the movies. There was this man in front of us who had his hair glued to his head in hairspray. The whole movie he kept rubbing the back of his head making sure nothing was out of place. Well...on the scene where they beat Jesus Brooklynn lost it and guess where it went. Yea well lets just say she and I snuck out and he probably didn't receive salvation that day, lol.
On one vacation we were at a really nice restaurant when I noticed Brooke needed her diaper changed. There was no place to lay her because she was so big so I took her out to the van and tried to very discretely change her. The parking lot was filling fast so in my efforts to hurry I jerked her diaper off. It is no secret that anything hard and shaped like a ball will roll so, here it goes rolling down the parking lot. It was like slow motion going right in front of the feet of the people entering the restaurant! Timmy said go get it and I said what am I suppose to do chase it down the parking lot and say, "excuse me this belongs to me". Let's just call it "the one that got away", LOL.
When Brooklynn was around 3 I started noticing changes in her body, ones that weren't normal. I took her to the doctor and they send her to an endocrinologist. He called Brooklynn a Princess and he asked her if he put a pea under her mattress would she fell it because she was so pampered. He then diagnosed her with early puberty. Her pituitary gland had been damaged from the stroke so it had no idea how old she was and sent her into puberty. They gave her a shot every month to slow it down but by first grade it was pretty noticeable. The night before the first day of school I was crying to Timmy about it. I said, "how many 1st graders have breast, I feel so sorry for her". Timmy looked so funny and said, "That's not a bad thing. She'll stroll into her class room raise her shirt and say...look girls, I bet none of you all have a set of these!"
Sure, I did my share to. Like the time I accidentally put her ear drops in her eyes, and the time I fell with her in the parking lot and how could I ever forget when she was in ICU and I clipped her nails and cut her finger. It wouldn't have been so bad but I jumped up and asked the nurse if she needed to go to the ER???? But who's keeping score..right??
We had a bad situation but God always gave us laughter. The Bible says if you sew tears you will reap joy. We sewed many tears but the joy of having her was unimaginable!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
#7- School Days
Brooklynn required pretty intensive therapy and lots of it.I enrolled her in therapy in Knoxville and we would drive there 2-3 times a week (when she wasn't in the hospital). So, when the big day came that she turned 3 the only way to get those therapies was to enroll her in school. I couldn't believe she had to go to school at 3! Now, if you don't have them in school by 3 they say they get behind?? Wow, times have changed. So, I enrolled her in the preschool program there where we lived. The first week of school was about to begin and the teacher wanted to meet with me. I went to talk to her and she said that Brooklynn couldn't start school that week. She was afraid that her disabilities would scare the other children so she needed a week to explain some things to them. She said that she was going to tie their arms together and legs together to show them what it was like for Brooke not to be able to move well. I said OK and a week later she started. My dad and Timmy were furious. They said they would have never even noticed her disability had they not made such a big deal about. I was OK with it tho, we had been through so much that that was a mild bump in the road. A few weeks went by and I went with her everyday. The kids loved her, (especially the boys). I told her they were only using her for her cool wheels (wheelchair), lol. Timmy and I had decided that we needed to move to Somerset. We put our house up for sale and looked at some houses up here. We found the perfect house for us but still needed to sell ours. We began to pray and a knock came to the door, it was a buyer! The exact amount we needed for a down payment on our new home was the exact amount they gave us down! We knew that was confirmation that we had done the right thing. I didn't want to leave my family so the one condition for us moving tho was that Timmy would go to church where I picked because I had been going with him since we were married. He agreed and after the first service he was hooked!
The new move meant a new school and that for me was scary, especially after what we had been through. I had requested her records but after 2 weeks the school had not received them. I finally called the director of the special education dept and while he had the phone down I heard him say, "Send the records she's not our problem anymore". Now, let me say I don't get angry easy. I can probably count on both hands the times that I was angry, angry enough to cry and every time it was over my girls. There's an old say that hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. They should have replaced woman with mother. My very sweet pastors wife said once that if you want to see me make a complete fool of myself then mess with my children. How right she was. I got into my car and drove 30 mins straight to his office. I walked in and my friend was the receptionist she looked at me and said, "are you ok". I said "I am, but he's not going to be". I sat there and bawled like a baby in anger. He opened that door and I said,"I have came to tell you one thing and one thing only. My child is not a problem, these children who are handicapped are not problems, if you feel like they are then you need to find a new job. Now, where are her records". He gave me the records and I left.
I took the new records and enrolled her in Southern Elem. Brooklynn not only got a new school that day but we got a new family. The kids absolutely adored her. Her first day she got a note from a boy telling her how cute she was. They never noticed her disabilities. It was so funny, 2 yrs later one little classmate walked up to me and said, "Ms. King, why cant Brookie walk". I said, "well, her legs don't work. We are still waiting on God to fix them but until then he gave her these cool wheels:. She said, "Oh, ok" and went back to playing and that was the only time in her 8 yrs there that I even remember anyone asking. Brooklynn felt so at home there, every morning Timmy would take her and they would roll down the halls and she would say hi to all of the teachers and her little friends. I went with her for 2 yrs but after that I knew it was time to separate. I was offered a teaching job at Headstart and took it so that we could still be on the same schedule. The first morning I left her there I was sitting in the parking lot crying. One of the lunch ladies pecked on my window. She asked if I was ok and I was so embarrassed. I said yes but I've realized something today. I always thought Brooklynn couldn't make it without me, that she needed me but all along I needed her. I remember her teacher told me once that another teacher was talking about how sorry she felt for me. I thought how could someone fell sorry for me, I have the best child in the whole world. I could not have asked for a more loving, sweet daughter. She ate anything we gave her, wore anything I put on her, let me fix her hair anyway I wanted to. I always told her that she was just a little angel that fell straight from heaven and landed in my arms.
The new move meant a new school and that for me was scary, especially after what we had been through. I had requested her records but after 2 weeks the school had not received them. I finally called the director of the special education dept and while he had the phone down I heard him say, "Send the records she's not our problem anymore". Now, let me say I don't get angry easy. I can probably count on both hands the times that I was angry, angry enough to cry and every time it was over my girls. There's an old say that hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. They should have replaced woman with mother. My very sweet pastors wife said once that if you want to see me make a complete fool of myself then mess with my children. How right she was. I got into my car and drove 30 mins straight to his office. I walked in and my friend was the receptionist she looked at me and said, "are you ok". I said "I am, but he's not going to be". I sat there and bawled like a baby in anger. He opened that door and I said,"I have came to tell you one thing and one thing only. My child is not a problem, these children who are handicapped are not problems, if you feel like they are then you need to find a new job. Now, where are her records". He gave me the records and I left.
I took the new records and enrolled her in Southern Elem. Brooklynn not only got a new school that day but we got a new family. The kids absolutely adored her. Her first day she got a note from a boy telling her how cute she was. They never noticed her disabilities. It was so funny, 2 yrs later one little classmate walked up to me and said, "Ms. King, why cant Brookie walk". I said, "well, her legs don't work. We are still waiting on God to fix them but until then he gave her these cool wheels:. She said, "Oh, ok" and went back to playing and that was the only time in her 8 yrs there that I even remember anyone asking. Brooklynn felt so at home there, every morning Timmy would take her and they would roll down the halls and she would say hi to all of the teachers and her little friends. I went with her for 2 yrs but after that I knew it was time to separate. I was offered a teaching job at Headstart and took it so that we could still be on the same schedule. The first morning I left her there I was sitting in the parking lot crying. One of the lunch ladies pecked on my window. She asked if I was ok and I was so embarrassed. I said yes but I've realized something today. I always thought Brooklynn couldn't make it without me, that she needed me but all along I needed her. I remember her teacher told me once that another teacher was talking about how sorry she felt for me. I thought how could someone fell sorry for me, I have the best child in the whole world. I could not have asked for a more loving, sweet daughter. She ate anything we gave her, wore anything I put on her, let me fix her hair anyway I wanted to. I always told her that she was just a little angel that fell straight from heaven and landed in my arms.
Monday, January 31, 2011
#5 God's amazing grace
Our stay continued in the hospital for what seemed like forever. Because of the stroke Brooklynn's immune system was very weak leaving her open to everything coming and going. At one point I remember her fever was 106+ . The nurses were all over the place throwing things racing to get her temperature down. I had never seen a temp that high so all I could do was just stand there dazed. We were suppose to be on our way home until all of this had started and everyone had thought we were home so I was surprised when my telephone rang. I just reached over and picked it up and it was a lady from church. She said, "Millie, the lord laid it on my heart to call and pray for Brooklynn is she sick". I muttered, "yes". She began to pray and Brooklynns fever immediately began to drop. I remember hearing her pray about Peters mother in law in the bible having a fever and how they prayed and it broke. God was so amazing that he had her to call right at that specific time and pray that specific prayer. As soon as that was over she was introduced to RSV. I'm sure every mother that read this gasped because it is such an ugly respiratory virus that results in death if the baby is young and cannot fight it off. Back to ICU we went but this time we were in isolation. Every 2 hours the respiratory therapist would come in and run a small tube down into her lungs to suction them out so she could breath and in between that I had a little suction cup that I would stand and pat her lungs with to try and break some of secretions up with. It was so sad to watch her lay there and barely be able to breath. The doctors really thought she had very little chance of surviving it but she did. I prayed constantly over her and God once again brought her through. I would sit and talk to Brooklynn so much. The one thing I ALWAYS told her was "Brooklynn you can do this, God made you strong. He never taught you to swim to let you drown". She probably still hears me telling her that today in Heaven!
We spent about 8 months there after the stroke.. well on and off about 8 months. We would come home for a week and then she would have to go back and stay for a couple of weeks. During our time home we hardly ever had any visitors. Had it not been for God we would've been so lonely. I remember I would be so tired that I would walk into walls while carrying her, once I fell asleep rocking her at the hospital and nearly dropped her in the floor. If she cried I would just pray and ask God what it was and he would show me. I was still married but we never saw each other much. I spent most of my time caring for Brooklynn and it was better that way. He would make rude comments like "he didn't know why I talked to her, should didn't understand and would never be anything". I use to get so mad I would cry. I had asked a couple of people from church if they would just come and visit but everyone told me the same thing, that they couldn't bare to look at her. One woman even told me that she couldn't come because she had pms. Not me, I loved looking at her. Yes she did look a little different. You could tell that she was now handicapped. Her hands were starting to turn in and her feet. The most distinctive thing was her eyes. The stroke had affected the part of her brain that controlled her vision. So, when you looked at her one eye would be looking up and the other would be to the side. I had taken her to the eye Dr in Lexington who had told me that she would never ever see and that her eyes would never line up. One day I was driving down the road talking to her and I just began sobbing. I pulled off and this is what I prayed, "God, please let her be able to see me, please let her be able to see the one who loves her so much". That week during therapy her therapist noticed that she was beginning to track things with her eyes. Later on they slowly began to line up!!! God is so good.I took her back to that very same doctor who now said she CAN see. I made him write it out in a report so I could hang it up at church for everyone to see.Jesus said he who has eyes let him see and he who has ears let him hear. Jesus knew that we all had eyes and we all had ears, that is not what he meant. He meant spiritual eyes and spiritual ears. Ears that were sensitive to him and his people. Eyes that could see him in everything especially his hurting people. Me & Brooklynn and Timmy went to the lake with his brother one Sunday afternoon. We were parked on the bank letting Brooklynn see the fish and the water. After a few minutes I noticed this big ugly deformed looking fish floating on the water. I yelled and asked him what it was. He grabbed a stick and pulled it in. It was a huge fish with a broken back. He grabbed and taunted me with it. Then he had a stick poking at it. He then through it back into the water. I knew God was showing me something but what? What could I learn from a broken down ugly fish....this is what God told me. Later that night he said this, "Millie, I've made you a fisherman of men. The fish that you catch may be ugly, broken down and not fair to look upon. Their backs are broken down by the cares and the weight of the world. Don't beat them up or make fun of them. You just catch them and Ill skin them and use them".
In this blog I don't want people to think I was perfect because I was far from it. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life. But, I was determined that I would be the very best for Brooklynn that I could be because she was mine. God gave her to me and I loved her more than life itself. So what if she looked a little different. I use to say, she may not be perfect but who is. I dressed her everyday whether we were going to church or just in the hospital for a lengthy stay. She deserved to be treated as anyone else I would not have it any other way. She may have been handicapped but God used her and he will use you too no matter what kind of fish you maybe.
We spent about 8 months there after the stroke.. well on and off about 8 months. We would come home for a week and then she would have to go back and stay for a couple of weeks. During our time home we hardly ever had any visitors. Had it not been for God we would've been so lonely. I remember I would be so tired that I would walk into walls while carrying her, once I fell asleep rocking her at the hospital and nearly dropped her in the floor. If she cried I would just pray and ask God what it was and he would show me. I was still married but we never saw each other much. I spent most of my time caring for Brooklynn and it was better that way. He would make rude comments like "he didn't know why I talked to her, should didn't understand and would never be anything". I use to get so mad I would cry. I had asked a couple of people from church if they would just come and visit but everyone told me the same thing, that they couldn't bare to look at her. One woman even told me that she couldn't come because she had pms. Not me, I loved looking at her. Yes she did look a little different. You could tell that she was now handicapped. Her hands were starting to turn in and her feet. The most distinctive thing was her eyes. The stroke had affected the part of her brain that controlled her vision. So, when you looked at her one eye would be looking up and the other would be to the side. I had taken her to the eye Dr in Lexington who had told me that she would never ever see and that her eyes would never line up. One day I was driving down the road talking to her and I just began sobbing. I pulled off and this is what I prayed, "God, please let her be able to see me, please let her be able to see the one who loves her so much". That week during therapy her therapist noticed that she was beginning to track things with her eyes. Later on they slowly began to line up!!! God is so good.I took her back to that very same doctor who now said she CAN see. I made him write it out in a report so I could hang it up at church for everyone to see.Jesus said he who has eyes let him see and he who has ears let him hear. Jesus knew that we all had eyes and we all had ears, that is not what he meant. He meant spiritual eyes and spiritual ears. Ears that were sensitive to him and his people. Eyes that could see him in everything especially his hurting people. Me & Brooklynn and Timmy went to the lake with his brother one Sunday afternoon. We were parked on the bank letting Brooklynn see the fish and the water. After a few minutes I noticed this big ugly deformed looking fish floating on the water. I yelled and asked him what it was. He grabbed a stick and pulled it in. It was a huge fish with a broken back. He grabbed and taunted me with it. Then he had a stick poking at it. He then through it back into the water. I knew God was showing me something but what? What could I learn from a broken down ugly fish....this is what God told me. Later that night he said this, "Millie, I've made you a fisherman of men. The fish that you catch may be ugly, broken down and not fair to look upon. Their backs are broken down by the cares and the weight of the world. Don't beat them up or make fun of them. You just catch them and Ill skin them and use them".
In this blog I don't want people to think I was perfect because I was far from it. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life. But, I was determined that I would be the very best for Brooklynn that I could be because she was mine. God gave her to me and I loved her more than life itself. So what if she looked a little different. I use to say, she may not be perfect but who is. I dressed her everyday whether we were going to church or just in the hospital for a lengthy stay. She deserved to be treated as anyone else I would not have it any other way. She may have been handicapped but God used her and he will use you too no matter what kind of fish you maybe.
Monday, January 24, 2011
#4 The Second Diagnosis
I spent the night in the hallway outside the ICU door. After a few hours they let me go in and see her for 5 mins at a time. There were so many tubes and somewhere around 24 different meds, 12 of which were vital to her living. The next day she very slowly began to improve a little. She still never woke up. Me and the nurses were standing by her bed talking when suddenly she coded. They grabbed me and shoved me out the door and all I could say was JESUS JESUS. I was no longer out the door then they called me back in and said she was stable again. I whispered in her ear that if she did that to me again I would spank her.
Second day, she still a little better. She wouldn't wake up tho and if I tried to wake her she would shake and jerk. The nurse told me that it was all the medicine she was on and not to be alarmed. I asked the nurse what I needed to pray for that day and she said she needs to urinate because she hadn't since surgery and if she didn't then that was a sign she was shutting down. I said OK and prayed and right before our very eyes her little bag filled with urine. The nurse just laughed and shook her head. She said she believes in miracles now. Day 3 and 4 were a little better still she would not wake up. I hung pictures of herself on her bed to try to get her attention but nothing. I told the nurses and they said they would have the Dr who makes rounds to check her out. That night I was of course by myself, and the Dr came in. He ran same tests and asked that I call my Pastor and my family to come in that morning because he needed to talk to us. Now, there was 3 rooms in that hospital that I remember very well..the Chapel where I spent most of my time, the ICU, and the "bad news room" where they took people in and they came out crying. That's where he wanted to meet, in that room. The next morning there we were. I remember that the Dr was crying so hard that I was more worried about him than what he had to say. He looked me center in the eyes and said it is really bad. When I looked back through your daughters surgery notes I saw where the surgeon accidentally poked a whole in her heart when he was closing her up and she had been dead for 20 mins! During that time her brain got no oxygen to it therefore she suffered a massive stroke. The worst stroke I have ever seen in all of my years of doctoring. You have today to let me know if you want to just take her off of the ventilator and let her die. I asked him what kind of damage had been done and he said, "she will never walk, talk, breath on her own, basically she will be a vegetable and you will have to take care of her the rest of your life". He then said, "don't look at those pictures on her bed because that is not the same baby you have now". I called mom and dad and all my family and told them. They were soon on their way. Meanwhile I went to my favorite place..the Chapel. I layed on the floor with my face laying on an open bible. I remember it like it happened yesterday. I said, "please please show me what to do". Then I knew what to do. The absolutely hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I said, 'Lord, Brooklynn is yours. If you choose to let me keep her I will be so thankful but if you have to take her I will still serve you no matter what". I got up and headed for the door and as I grabbed that door handle I heard his voice so clearly and it was a scripture I had never heard. He said she will live and not die and declare my works!! I ran upstairs and mom and dad was there. The nurses were trying to convince them to have me turn off the ventilator. Dad asked me what I had decided and I told him what God had said and he said OK then, that's what we will believe. I loved my dad because he would uphold me no matter what. So when the nurses would try to talk to him he would say no that's what God told her.
The next day the Dr came in and asked me my decision. I told him what had happened and he was almost angry. He said " well, your not going to get a miracle, you wont wake up in the morning and get a million dollars", and I said, " I may not wake up and have a million dollars but if I save my money over a period of time Ill get my million, God may not heal her tonight, but he can heal her a little each day". He just shook his head and walked away. The next few days you would have thought we had committed a crime. The nurses would hardly speak and the Dr def wouldn't. I couldn't understand why they were so upset. Just because she wasn't perfect they thought she shouldn't be allowed to live. And for those of you who are wondering about the surgeon who did all of this, he resigned the day after her surgery. They really felt silly the next day when the little girl who would never breath on her own was over breathing the ventilator. The Dr said he would have to take her off because she would no longer need it. YAY! We were ecstatic. But then the devil tried to raise his ugly head again. The heart Dr said that her foot was purple and that there had been not heart beat in it the past few days. The only option would be to remove it unless they could hear a heartbeat in it soon. I stood up and said, Devil you are not getting her leg. That evening guess what??? There was a heartbeat. It wasn't to much longer until Brookie could be moved to her very own room. You would have thought we had moved to The Hilton. I was so tired of sleeping in the chairs and so was my sisters, lol. We got to the floor but Brooklynn was far from recovered. She was still blind in both eyes. When she looked at you one eye would go up and the other to the side. They wouldn't even line up. She could not cry she meowed like a newborn cat, she couldn't swallow or even suck a pacifier. It really was horrific. One morning after praying I woke up and I said, today Brooklynn is going to eat. I called my family up, even my granny came. I asked the nurse to make her a bottle. She thought I had lost it, I guess they all did but she still fixed it just to see what would happen. I blessed it and Brooklynn took two little sucks. That night she ate a little more. Before we knew it she was eating away. The nurses came from all floors to see this miracle. I remember one in particular who had been her nurse in ICU when she was born. Back then she had asked me if I believed in miracles. I told her yes. She said, "will you pray that I can have a baby, we have been trying for years". I prayed. When she came to see the miracle of Brooklynn eating she said, "I have been off work but I wanted to tell you, I am 4 months pregnant!" God is so faithful. I look back and see all of the miracles God did.One right after the other and I think, why don't we see miracles like that now. That was only 15 yrs ago but alot has changed in 15 yrs. Yes God still does miracles but we don't have time to pray for them much less wait to hear if he speaks to us. I am as guilty as anyone. Especially now having a busy job and busy 3yrd old, then there are cell phones, laptops and facebook to keep us preoccupied. Today I challenge you to stop. Stop if even for a min or so and pray for something big. Something that only God can do. Then wait to see if he speaks to you or just wait to see the miracle happen!
Second day, she still a little better. She wouldn't wake up tho and if I tried to wake her she would shake and jerk. The nurse told me that it was all the medicine she was on and not to be alarmed. I asked the nurse what I needed to pray for that day and she said she needs to urinate because she hadn't since surgery and if she didn't then that was a sign she was shutting down. I said OK and prayed and right before our very eyes her little bag filled with urine. The nurse just laughed and shook her head. She said she believes in miracles now. Day 3 and 4 were a little better still she would not wake up. I hung pictures of herself on her bed to try to get her attention but nothing. I told the nurses and they said they would have the Dr who makes rounds to check her out. That night I was of course by myself, and the Dr came in. He ran same tests and asked that I call my Pastor and my family to come in that morning because he needed to talk to us. Now, there was 3 rooms in that hospital that I remember very well..the Chapel where I spent most of my time, the ICU, and the "bad news room" where they took people in and they came out crying. That's where he wanted to meet, in that room. The next morning there we were. I remember that the Dr was crying so hard that I was more worried about him than what he had to say. He looked me center in the eyes and said it is really bad. When I looked back through your daughters surgery notes I saw where the surgeon accidentally poked a whole in her heart when he was closing her up and she had been dead for 20 mins! During that time her brain got no oxygen to it therefore she suffered a massive stroke. The worst stroke I have ever seen in all of my years of doctoring. You have today to let me know if you want to just take her off of the ventilator and let her die. I asked him what kind of damage had been done and he said, "she will never walk, talk, breath on her own, basically she will be a vegetable and you will have to take care of her the rest of your life". He then said, "don't look at those pictures on her bed because that is not the same baby you have now". I called mom and dad and all my family and told them. They were soon on their way. Meanwhile I went to my favorite place..the Chapel. I layed on the floor with my face laying on an open bible. I remember it like it happened yesterday. I said, "please please show me what to do". Then I knew what to do. The absolutely hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I said, 'Lord, Brooklynn is yours. If you choose to let me keep her I will be so thankful but if you have to take her I will still serve you no matter what". I got up and headed for the door and as I grabbed that door handle I heard his voice so clearly and it was a scripture I had never heard. He said she will live and not die and declare my works!! I ran upstairs and mom and dad was there. The nurses were trying to convince them to have me turn off the ventilator. Dad asked me what I had decided and I told him what God had said and he said OK then, that's what we will believe. I loved my dad because he would uphold me no matter what. So when the nurses would try to talk to him he would say no that's what God told her.
The next day the Dr came in and asked me my decision. I told him what had happened and he was almost angry. He said " well, your not going to get a miracle, you wont wake up in the morning and get a million dollars", and I said, " I may not wake up and have a million dollars but if I save my money over a period of time Ill get my million, God may not heal her tonight, but he can heal her a little each day". He just shook his head and walked away. The next few days you would have thought we had committed a crime. The nurses would hardly speak and the Dr def wouldn't. I couldn't understand why they were so upset. Just because she wasn't perfect they thought she shouldn't be allowed to live. And for those of you who are wondering about the surgeon who did all of this, he resigned the day after her surgery. They really felt silly the next day when the little girl who would never breath on her own was over breathing the ventilator. The Dr said he would have to take her off because she would no longer need it. YAY! We were ecstatic. But then the devil tried to raise his ugly head again. The heart Dr said that her foot was purple and that there had been not heart beat in it the past few days. The only option would be to remove it unless they could hear a heartbeat in it soon. I stood up and said, Devil you are not getting her leg. That evening guess what??? There was a heartbeat. It wasn't to much longer until Brookie could be moved to her very own room. You would have thought we had moved to The Hilton. I was so tired of sleeping in the chairs and so was my sisters, lol. We got to the floor but Brooklynn was far from recovered. She was still blind in both eyes. When she looked at you one eye would go up and the other to the side. They wouldn't even line up. She could not cry she meowed like a newborn cat, she couldn't swallow or even suck a pacifier. It really was horrific. One morning after praying I woke up and I said, today Brooklynn is going to eat. I called my family up, even my granny came. I asked the nurse to make her a bottle. She thought I had lost it, I guess they all did but she still fixed it just to see what would happen. I blessed it and Brooklynn took two little sucks. That night she ate a little more. Before we knew it she was eating away. The nurses came from all floors to see this miracle. I remember one in particular who had been her nurse in ICU when she was born. Back then she had asked me if I believed in miracles. I told her yes. She said, "will you pray that I can have a baby, we have been trying for years". I prayed. When she came to see the miracle of Brooklynn eating she said, "I have been off work but I wanted to tell you, I am 4 months pregnant!" God is so faithful. I look back and see all of the miracles God did.One right after the other and I think, why don't we see miracles like that now. That was only 15 yrs ago but alot has changed in 15 yrs. Yes God still does miracles but we don't have time to pray for them much less wait to hear if he speaks to us. I am as guilty as anyone. Especially now having a busy job and busy 3yrd old, then there are cell phones, laptops and facebook to keep us preoccupied. Today I challenge you to stop. Stop if even for a min or so and pray for something big. Something that only God can do. Then wait to see if he speaks to you or just wait to see the miracle happen!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Post #3 The worst thing that could happen did
Now here we are again, eagerly awaiting to hear from the Dr is the surgery waiting area. I hate to say it but I hated that place. They would call and say, "go to the red phone" and for us, everytime we picked up that red phone it was bad news. So they call, I go to the red phone and the nurse tells us that they are unable to complete the surgery due to infection. She also tells me that during surgery the surgeon cuts one of her limp nodes and now instead of a 4 day hospital stay we will need 6WEEKS! The nurses in the ICU unit had become great friends to us. There was one time that I will never forget. Brooke was taking a bottle and she got choked, I freaked out and yelled for the nurse. When she walked in I handed her Brooke. She was a fiesty little african american nurse (Valerie) and she looked at me and handed her right back to me and said,
"She your baby not mine, you better learn to deal with it". Now some people would be offended but I was glad she said it. I went back to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I heard God speak a scripture to me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". From that day foward I knew that God would teach me to take care of her and that I didnt have to live in fear. We stay our 6 weeks and they released us to come home. Her oxygen levels were low (80-85) and she could only live 6-8months like that. They told us to keep her away from germs and dont let her cry. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Everytime she would cry I would pray and cry that she didnt die. There were a couple of times that we had to call an ambulance and take her to the hospital because she would turn blue and faint. If this wasnt enough to deal with I was married to a very abusive husband and then there was the financial cost of staying at the hospital all the time and not working . But God took care of us. He ALWAYS provided everything we needed.
At Brooke's 5 month appoint we recieved the news that she could not go on any more. Her oxygen was now at 75 and she stayed blue. She was just learning to smile and laugh and we were having a blast. The day before her surgery she pulled me around to her by my hair and said "momma". I was sooo excited. The day of the check in for surgery came and I had the worst sickest feeling. I felt like I knew something bad was going to happen but there was no way for me to stop it. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. That was the saddest day of my life. We got up that morning and Brooklynn reached up to hug me as if she was saying bye. She wouldnt let anyone hold her but me and when they took off with her to surgery I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. I just sat in the floor and cried.
1 hour went by and we got a call (on that red phone) that she was ok. 2 hours went by..no call. 3 hours...no call. I begged the receptionist to call back there. Finally we get a call that there have been some problems when they closed her up and now they were going back in. Then a few hours later another call came that they had to go in again and that they didnt think she made it. Finally after 12 horrible hours the dr came in. I looked at him and asked if she was alive and he said Yes. I said will she be ok and he said, "I hope so Im tired of fooling with her". I didnt care tho. He could have smacked me across the face and I wouldnt have cared as long as I knew she was alive. They told us to wait upstairs and we could see her. We could only see her for a few minutes because she was so critical. They gave her only hours to live but never told us what had happened. I walked in and there was a little 12lb girl who was so swollen from being on the heart lung machine so many times that her ears folded. She had blood splats all over her face and I just stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs. I came out of there screaming. I was so mad at God. I remember saying"why are you doing this to me, why? She is not going to die God, you promised if I believed you she would live, YOU PROMISED!!!
"She your baby not mine, you better learn to deal with it". Now some people would be offended but I was glad she said it. I went back to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I heard God speak a scripture to me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". From that day foward I knew that God would teach me to take care of her and that I didnt have to live in fear. We stay our 6 weeks and they released us to come home. Her oxygen levels were low (80-85) and she could only live 6-8months like that. They told us to keep her away from germs and dont let her cry. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Everytime she would cry I would pray and cry that she didnt die. There were a couple of times that we had to call an ambulance and take her to the hospital because she would turn blue and faint. If this wasnt enough to deal with I was married to a very abusive husband and then there was the financial cost of staying at the hospital all the time and not working . But God took care of us. He ALWAYS provided everything we needed.
At Brooke's 5 month appoint we recieved the news that she could not go on any more. Her oxygen was now at 75 and she stayed blue. She was just learning to smile and laugh and we were having a blast. The day before her surgery she pulled me around to her by my hair and said "momma". I was sooo excited. The day of the check in for surgery came and I had the worst sickest feeling. I felt like I knew something bad was going to happen but there was no way for me to stop it. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. That was the saddest day of my life. We got up that morning and Brooklynn reached up to hug me as if she was saying bye. She wouldnt let anyone hold her but me and when they took off with her to surgery I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. I just sat in the floor and cried.
1 hour went by and we got a call (on that red phone) that she was ok. 2 hours went by..no call. 3 hours...no call. I begged the receptionist to call back there. Finally we get a call that there have been some problems when they closed her up and now they were going back in. Then a few hours later another call came that they had to go in again and that they didnt think she made it. Finally after 12 horrible hours the dr came in. I looked at him and asked if she was alive and he said Yes. I said will she be ok and he said, "I hope so Im tired of fooling with her". I didnt care tho. He could have smacked me across the face and I wouldnt have cared as long as I knew she was alive. They told us to wait upstairs and we could see her. We could only see her for a few minutes because she was so critical. They gave her only hours to live but never told us what had happened. I walked in and there was a little 12lb girl who was so swollen from being on the heart lung machine so many times that her ears folded. She had blood splats all over her face and I just stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs. I came out of there screaming. I was so mad at God. I remember saying"why are you doing this to me, why? She is not going to die God, you promised if I believed you she would live, YOU PROMISED!!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Post #2 The Diagnosis
So off they went. Brooklynn was taken to UK and I was still in the hospital. The nurse told me if I could take a few steps on my own then they would release me to go. 15 hours after giving birth I was signing discharge papers. They gave me instructions to go home, pack lots of clothes and they would call me at my parents house to let me know what was going on and that she was ok until I could get there. I packed my clothes, my sister drove me to my parents and I sat there and waited on that phone call.
And then it came. It was the Pediatric Heart Specialist telling me that Brooklynn had 6 major heart defects. I was barely 19, I thought heart defects and trouble was only for older people who had lived long lives.not newborns. It appeared that the blood in her heart flowed completely backwards, the main two tubes running into her heart in a figure 8 were running straight up and down and the only way the blood was mixing was through several holes in her heart, one very large. Also to top things off she had a aretery to large and one to small and a payton ductus. Shew now try to tell that at every drs appointment!
Needless to say at this point I am overwhelmed. I remember so plainly walking next door to my sisters front porch and just sitting there staring, trying to take all of this in when my dad came and sat beside me. He was a big tall man 6ft 4 with big long arms and great big hands. Dad was a christian but he wasnt going to church much and had not had all the teachings on faith and healing. He wrapped that big arm around me and began crying almost uncontrollably and said "Baby girl, its going to be ok, God will take care of her". And we sat there and cried together. It was almost as if God himself was holding me through those big arms.
My sister had gotten all of her stuff ready and was ready to go. I remember on the way up there falling asleep and having one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had. There I was in a huge crowd of people and they were screaming and shouting, throwing things and I was in the main back. I was pressing in closer and closer to try to understand what they were saying and why they were being so violent. And then I heard those wrenching words "Crucify him"! Who were they crucifying, I was jumping up and down trying to see over the shoulders of the hundreds of people in front of me. I caught a glimpse of the top of a mans head and he was stooped over. I woke up and my heart was racing. It was Jesus! And I heard the Lord speak to me as if he was sitting right in front of me and he said, "You can either believe what the Dr's said or you can believe what I did on the cross". I said Lord, "I believe you".
We arrived at the hospital and they had to complete one procedure before I had gotten there. The doctor came in and said that she would have to have another surgery in 2 days. We went in for surgery that morning and they had to close her up due to her heart being so small and excess bleeding. Again I said, "Lord I trust you". A few days after the surgery I began to notice some green stuff leaking out of her incsion under her left arm. I told the nurses and they thought she maybe was spitting up in the bed. I was so worn and frustrated. Then the nurse that I called "the angel" came in. I showed her what was going on and how Brooklynns oxygen was dropping when she layed on one side. She immediately knew what it was. Gain green had set up in her incision because the nurses had not been changing her bandages. On top of that, the Surgeon comes in and says, we have to do surgery tomorrow! "Tomorrow? but what about all of this infection? Will she be able to survive"? I asked. The surgeon told me that we had no choice. Her heart was flooding her lungs with blood and at this rate she would not survive anyway. It was total chaos in that room. The nurses were trying to get Brooklynn prepared, family members including myself were upset because of this infection and now surgery? I walked in the bathroom and shut the door. I needed to talk to God and fast! As I sat there in the quiet I heard and old hymn playing over in my mind, "on Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand". That was it! I was standing on that solid rock. I chose to believe what he did and not what my eyes was seeing. God was bigger than this sickness. Gone were the days of putting God in a box and saying, he can heal colds, he can heal headaches but can he heal hearts? Im here to say, YES he can and HE WILL! When I became a christian and called Jesus my Lord thats what I meant. I meant he is Lord of my life, my heart, my emotions and definately my child! I walked back into that room, picked up that little 5lb girl, looked her in those big brown eyes and said, "Brooklynn you can do this, your strong! God is going to help us through this. He will heal you!
And then it came. It was the Pediatric Heart Specialist telling me that Brooklynn had 6 major heart defects. I was barely 19, I thought heart defects and trouble was only for older people who had lived long lives.not newborns. It appeared that the blood in her heart flowed completely backwards, the main two tubes running into her heart in a figure 8 were running straight up and down and the only way the blood was mixing was through several holes in her heart, one very large. Also to top things off she had a aretery to large and one to small and a payton ductus. Shew now try to tell that at every drs appointment!
Needless to say at this point I am overwhelmed. I remember so plainly walking next door to my sisters front porch and just sitting there staring, trying to take all of this in when my dad came and sat beside me. He was a big tall man 6ft 4 with big long arms and great big hands. Dad was a christian but he wasnt going to church much and had not had all the teachings on faith and healing. He wrapped that big arm around me and began crying almost uncontrollably and said "Baby girl, its going to be ok, God will take care of her". And we sat there and cried together. It was almost as if God himself was holding me through those big arms.
My sister had gotten all of her stuff ready and was ready to go. I remember on the way up there falling asleep and having one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had. There I was in a huge crowd of people and they were screaming and shouting, throwing things and I was in the main back. I was pressing in closer and closer to try to understand what they were saying and why they were being so violent. And then I heard those wrenching words "Crucify him"! Who were they crucifying, I was jumping up and down trying to see over the shoulders of the hundreds of people in front of me. I caught a glimpse of the top of a mans head and he was stooped over. I woke up and my heart was racing. It was Jesus! And I heard the Lord speak to me as if he was sitting right in front of me and he said, "You can either believe what the Dr's said or you can believe what I did on the cross". I said Lord, "I believe you".
We arrived at the hospital and they had to complete one procedure before I had gotten there. The doctor came in and said that she would have to have another surgery in 2 days. We went in for surgery that morning and they had to close her up due to her heart being so small and excess bleeding. Again I said, "Lord I trust you". A few days after the surgery I began to notice some green stuff leaking out of her incsion under her left arm. I told the nurses and they thought she maybe was spitting up in the bed. I was so worn and frustrated. Then the nurse that I called "the angel" came in. I showed her what was going on and how Brooklynns oxygen was dropping when she layed on one side. She immediately knew what it was. Gain green had set up in her incision because the nurses had not been changing her bandages. On top of that, the Surgeon comes in and says, we have to do surgery tomorrow! "Tomorrow? but what about all of this infection? Will she be able to survive"? I asked. The surgeon told me that we had no choice. Her heart was flooding her lungs with blood and at this rate she would not survive anyway. It was total chaos in that room. The nurses were trying to get Brooklynn prepared, family members including myself were upset because of this infection and now surgery? I walked in the bathroom and shut the door. I needed to talk to God and fast! As I sat there in the quiet I heard and old hymn playing over in my mind, "on Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand". That was it! I was standing on that solid rock. I chose to believe what he did and not what my eyes was seeing. God was bigger than this sickness. Gone were the days of putting God in a box and saying, he can heal colds, he can heal headaches but can he heal hearts? Im here to say, YES he can and HE WILL! When I became a christian and called Jesus my Lord thats what I meant. I meant he is Lord of my life, my heart, my emotions and definately my child! I walked back into that room, picked up that little 5lb girl, looked her in those big brown eyes and said, "Brooklynn you can do this, your strong! God is going to help us through this. He will heal you!
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