The best kiss I ever got

The best kiss I ever got

Sunday, May 29, 2011

#21- The suprise party

Time flew by so quickly those last four weeks. But one thing that seemed to stop time was a holding Brooke. I can never explain the way it felt to hold her. It was as if time did literally stop and you knew that moment would have to be a memory that would need to sustain you the rest of your life. Brooklyn steadily grew weaker to the point that she needed to lay in her little hospital bed almost all of the time. She had never slept alone so that was quiet an adjustment...for me not her. She probably loved the freedom but me being mother hen parked the bed right next to mine and set a chair between them. We would take turns sitting in the chair spending time with her and watching over her. I sent Timmy to Wal Mart to get her some Dora sheets and a comforter because she was her favorite character.
It was truly the most peaceful thing I've ever seen. She simply just slept. While she slept we sat with her and visited with friends and relatives who came and went. A couple of our good friends Carson and Becky literally moved in with us and what a blessing we were. Becky brought so much laughter into that room. At bedtime, we all piled in the bed. Some of us slept, some laughed and some cried. Timmy is such a jokester, he said he had never slept with so many different women in his life.
One Saturday morning was a little different. I looked up and there was two big beautiful brown eyes staring at me. She was awake! And suddenly the thought struck me... she wasnt going to live to see her birthday so today would be her birthday! I jumped up and looked at Goldie and said, "I cant believe you didnt tell me Aunt GO GO." Goldie just glared at me like I had lost my mind. She never knew what to expect with me. When it came to Brooklynn I would climb the tallest tower just to see her smile. "Told you what", Goldie said. "You forgot to tell me that today was Brookies Birthday!" "Oh it is?" she asked. "Yes, and if you will sit here I will be right back." I jumped in my car and made a 5 min trip to Walmart. I ran through that store as quickly as I could clearing out every piece of Dora Bday supplies they had. Then I swung by the deli and grabbed a big birthday cake. I was about to have an anxiety attack waiting in line praying so hard that she would stay awake.
I came through the door and there were those big brown eyes. I shouted Happy Birthday Brooke! My brother in law and sister in law had just came in the door. I said you are just in time for our party. They knew it wasn't really her birthday but neither even blinked an eye and just jumped right in and played the part. I hung a banner up over the door that read "Happy Birthday" in bright letters. We lit the candles and we came through there like a small parade blowing bubbles singing her favorite song..Happy Birthday. The smile on her face still is fresh in my mind. She opened all of her presents, smiled the biggest smiles and just as if God had wakened her from a coma for just a short time...peacefully back off to sleep she went.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

#20-Week 1 from Diagnosis

It was the first of four weeks that Brooklynn lived after we received the diagnosis that she only had a day to live. So many of our family and friends gathered there faithfully with us to offer prayers and support of any and every kind. Teachers from her school would come by there everyday. Some would share stories of things her friends would say and their great concern for loosing their sweet little friend. One day we received a call from a local Tv station. They had heard of a special project her little friends had came up with to remind people to pray for Brooklynn and he wanted to interview us. The children had made special bracelets of pink, purple and yellow and had spent hours weaving them together. Pink represented love, yellow friendship and purple happiness. The weaving represented all of the friends that had been woven in her life. After the news interview over 500+ were requested on top of the others that had already been made. (we joked with Brooklynn that since she had been on TV she had now became a movie star).The outpouring of love from her school and her friends was  overwhelming. It touched our hearts so much and Brooklynns too to know that they loved her so much and was continuing to believe with us for a miracle.
As the week progressed so did the visitors and the gifts. We were so thrilled to have so many people spend the last days of Brookes life with us. Our doorbell rang constantly with gifts flooding in of food, cards, flowers, blankets. You name it and it was there. I can never express enough how much all of that meant to us knowing that people would take time out of their busy lives to help us or just set and talk to us.
One of the most precious keepsakes I have is letters from her school mates, letters that I hid for a year before I would even read them again. Most every letter contained this: Brooklynn, you have always been my best friend, I told you all of my secrets and you never told anyone. I cant wait to see you again in Heaven where you wont need your wheelchair anymore. Their little faith was amazing. Now I see why Jesus said to come to him with the faith of a child.
I read all of these to Brookie and she just smiled, I even placed a bracelet on her little hand. Then I joked with her about how all of these years she had carried the burden of her friends secrets and never even told me. Even tho she was sick we still had so much fun. Being in that room with her was the most spiritual experience in my life. It was as tho Jesus himself was there holding her in his arms............and me to.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

#19- How do I tell her??

The word spread quickly of Brooklynn. Before we knew it there was people every where willing and ready to work and do whatever we asked them. It was the most amazing outpouring of Gods love I had ever seen. Our friends moved in with us, our family took leaves from work to stay with us, breakfast lunch and dinner was there just like clockwork, laundry was done daily and the house cleaned nightly so all we had to do was sit and talk to Brooklynn and take care of her. But in the middle of all of this only 1 person didn't know what was going on and that was Brooklynn.
One of my favorite places at my old house was my back porch. I loved it there. Most of the time Brooklynn and I would sit out there. She would swing and I would pray. It was so peaceful and tho it wasn't an actual closet it was my prayer closet. When I was hurt or upset or needed to have a heart to heart with God that's where I went. Now I needed his help more that ever before so off to the back porch I went. I remember  a saying "God give us the strength and the courage to tell her. She deserves to know what is going on and I want to be honest with her. Please Lord don't let her be scared and don't let me be scared either. I need the words to speak". Then of course I broke down again and begged God to let me keep her. I know it was selfish but my goodness she was all I had! I needed her!
The next day Brooke's Dr told me a story that totally changed how I looked at things. She told me about a hospital that she worked in and there was a girl there in a wheelchair. She was sick and soon another Dr told our Dr that she would soon die. She was so scared that she avoided the little girl. Every time she would see her she turned and went the other way until one day  she caught up with her. The little girl who had wisdom beyond her years looked at our Dr and said, "I want to see you in my room, today!" All day she dreaded going in there but after her rounds she kept her word and went to her room. The little girl looked at her and said, "you have been avoiding me". The Dr said, "yes your right, I have." She then said, "You know that I'm dying don't you. You know I'm dying so you ignored me? Do you know why children like me suffer?.....Because selfish people like you won't let us go..
Brooke's Dr had no idea that story was meant for me. It was time for me to let go. I loved Brooklynn so much that I had to do the selfless thing and let her go. It wasn't about me and how I felt anymore it was about letting Brooklynn finally have the peace and joy that she forever had deserved. I thought no one else could take care of her but there was one who loved her even more than I did, who wanted to hold her just as I did and wanted to give her that healing and pain free life that I had prayed for 10 almost 11 years for. He didn't want to punish me by taking Brooklynn away he wanted to bless me by making her whole and giving her everything her little heart desired.He was giving her everything that I couldn't.  That's the kind of God that I serve.
So laying aside our selfishness, putting a smile on our faces, Timmy and I took her hands and began to explain. We began to tell her all about heaven, we named  all of our family that was there that she would finally get to meet or see again. We explained how that she would finally be able to ride that bike we had promised her but this time it would have golden wheels and a great big fog horn that would let everyone know to get out of her way. We talked about how that she would be given new legs that worked so that she could finally run and play and roller skate. And then finally, we then pinched our hearts and placed it in her little hands, closed them up and told her that tho we couldn't go with her she could take a piece of our hearts with her and we would keep a piece of hers here with us. And, not to be scared because Jesus who we had told her about her whole life would be right there to take care of her until we got there.
 I could never explain to you the smile that was on Brooke's face as we talked to her that day. I know that God had given her peace about what was going on. We wasn't loosing Brooklynn, we know where she was going...... to Heaven

Monday, May 2, 2011

#18- God sends who we need before we can even ask

The next day we were released to go home. But not before they asked us a very important question. Did we want Brooklynn to die at home or in the hospital and the answer was very simple. We didn't want her to die at all.
We took her home and Dr. Cottrill called us and asked if we would let hospice come and help. I immediately said no. I had heard so many horror stories of how that they gave people too much morphine and Timmy and I wanted no part of that but its funny how God will let the truth be known.
I called her doctors office and let her doctor know what was going on. She was very sad and said that she was sorry. But the next day a different doctor showed up at our house, Dr Fackler. She had only seen Brooke a few times but had heard what was going on. I remember her sweet little face and her saying, "I don't know that I can help but I'm here to do whatever I can", and that she did. She spent more time at our house than with her own family, even canceling patients to spend time with us.
After a few days, I was having trouble getting all of Brooklynns prescriptions picked up. Some were out and they had to call Dr. Cottrill for refills. While I was setting in the drive thru at Kroger Dr Cottrill called me. She said, "Millie, please please let me call Hospice. Just let them come and talk to you because you are going to need their help." After much thought and prayer I agreed to let them just come and talk to us. I explained to them how worried I was about the whole morphine thing and they had heard that story before. They promised that if I would let them help us that they would never even mention morphine.Timmy and I talked and a couple of days later we agree to let them come in. That was the best decision we ever made.
The first nurse came out and brought all of Brooke's meds. She was really nice but she gave me morphine and told me to just keep it in the cabinet in case we needed it. I was a little freaked out but I never said anything. The next day there was a different nurse there, Monica. She told me that she had heard about Brooke and had children of her own. She wanted to know if she could take on the case.  Later, I learned that she was over the nurses and didn't even have any patients but felt like God had told her to take Brooklynns case. After only a visit or two I knew that God had sent her right to us. He was giving us everything we need b4 we would even have time to ask.