I finally found my way out of wherever I was and I headed to school. I hated telling Ms. Linda as bad as I hated being told myself. She loved Brooke so much too and I knew this news would probably crush her. I remember walking down that hallway of that school. There were so many good memories there. I also remember thinking "this is it", "this is the very end of everything." I asked Ms. Linda to walk me out to the van and I told her that Brooke wouldn't be back to school, she was only given days to live and we wanted to spend her last days at home with her. She agreed and just as I expected she was crushed. I slowly pulled out of the parking lot for the last time and we went home where Timmy was waiting on us.
That evening about 5:00pm, Brooklynn spiked a fever of 104. I immediately called Dr Cottrill just like she told me to and we took her straight to U.K. We went through the ER where we were taken immediately to MRI. I went in with her and I remember her laying there so still. She was the best little girl and its like she knew that we really needed that test. I stood there beside her praying that there would be a miracle. That God had allowed her heart and brain to be healed.
They admitted her and the next day the doctor who was on call would make his rounds and tell us the results.
We were hanging out laying in the bed playing and watching TV when I saw the doctor go by with all of the interns. A few minutes later he went by again, and then again but he never came into our room. We were praying so hard for a miracle. And I thought that maybe he was saving our room till the end, you know..the best news for last. But that was not what God had planned.
The doctor finally came in but this time he was alone. He had made his rounds with the interns but he wanted to talk to us alone. When I saw tears streaming down his face I knew it was time to accept what had been laid before us. It was just like Dr Cottrill had said. Her little brain had deteriorated over the past 10 years. Soon her body would begin to shut down. After he left I walked out of the room to get some air. When I opened my door I saw all of the nurses standing there with tears in their eyes. As I walked away I even heard a nurse say, "there's the lady who's daughter is dying." I have never felt so helpless in my life. I went outside and set on a bench and cried like a baby. I was a mad at God and I just wanted to tell him. I layed it all out before him right there on that bench and I didn't care who saw or heard me.I was sure there had been some kind of a mistake, she was only 10yrs old. A mother should never outlive her child. I remember praying, "please make this stop, please. I don't want to be that lady who's daughter is dying. You can fix this God, I know you can. Please please Make.. This... Go...Away!
The best kiss I ever got
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
#16 The news that no parent ever wants to hear-part 2
After our lengthy conversation one thing I remembered Dr. Cottrill telling me was that if Brooklynn got the least bit sick or ran a fever to call her and they would admit her in UK and do an MRI. If we had just scheduled one then it would take months and Brooklynn wouldn't live that long. She told me that she would probably pass away in her sleep but not to sit up and watch her all night and last but not least to keep her life as normal as possible. To let her continue to go to school as long as she could.
I walked into the waiting room where Greg was. I don't know what my face looked like but he never said a word. When I got Brooke in the car I told Greg that we had gotten some bad news. I didn't want to tell him the extent because you just have to know Greg-O. I didn't want to scare him.
I drove home with my hands gripping that steering wheel so tight that there was no feeling left in them. My sister called and said," Millie is everything ok? I have a really bad feeling?" I cant remember exactly what I said but I think I told her that the Dr had lost her mind and told me that Brooklynn only had days to live. After I said it out loud I begin to cry. I knew what she told me was truth, I just didn't know how to process it.
I then called Timmy and by this time I was all to pieces. He told me to stay there and he would come get me but I couldn't take my hand off the wheel or my foot off the pedal. It was all stuck and I was frozen. I kept looking in my rear view mirror at Brooklynn thinking how can I tell her? How can I tell her that she only has days to live? Did I let her down? Did I not pray enough? And finally, ..How can I ever live without her? She had only spent 1 night away from us in her entire 10 almost 11 years! She slept with us every nite. If we ate she ate, If we went somewhere she went with us. We were nearly 1 whole person. Our whole life was to make her healthy and happy.
Timmy kept calling me and finally told me to stop at Nanna and Poppas and wait there on him. He had called them and when I got there they were waiting outside. I let go of that steering wheel and stepped out and when I did my legs felt like spaghetti. I couldn't walk. I couldn't think. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.
I still today don't remember how we got there but somehow we got home. When we pulled in there were several of our close friends there from church. I think Pastor Mark was there too. I told them the news and how that Brooklynn only had days to live. I remember them saying what can we do and this is what I replied. " I know that Brooklynn will be ok. I'm praying that God will miraculously heal her but if he chooses to take her and leave me here..don't let me die too. What I meant by that was this...Don't let me be left here a dead woman on the inside, locked in my room, laying in bed, living life but not doing a thing for God and his kingdom. Don't let me grieve myself to death and die spiritually.
That night Timmy and I bought a blow up mattress, laid it in the living room floor and we took turns sleeping. The next morning I got Brooke up, got her dressed and Timmy took her to school singing her favorite songs just like Dr. Cottrill told us to.
I was in total and complete shock to the point that I was literally out of my mind. I went to the office, walked in looked at everyone and walked straight back to my office. I set there and stared at the wall for an hour. I then got up walked to the front and looked at Nicole and said,"You are never going to believe what the Dr told us yesterday, she told us Brooklynn has days to live." I remember her asking me if I was ok. I think I said, "I'm going home". I cant really remember I just remember crying and seeing tears running down her face too. I have always hated storms especially driving in them. I called my dad to tell him the news.I dreaded calling him worse than anything in this world. Him and Brooke were best buddies and I didn't think he would be strong enough to survive. It was a heart wrenching conversation to say the least. When I hung up the phone with him I looked around and I was lost on a back road way out somewhere in Nancy and it was coming a horrible storm. I've always been very scared of bad storms but not that day. I looked up at the sky and thought what can be worse than what we are going through..... let it storm.
I walked into the waiting room where Greg was. I don't know what my face looked like but he never said a word. When I got Brooke in the car I told Greg that we had gotten some bad news. I didn't want to tell him the extent because you just have to know Greg-O. I didn't want to scare him.
I drove home with my hands gripping that steering wheel so tight that there was no feeling left in them. My sister called and said," Millie is everything ok? I have a really bad feeling?" I cant remember exactly what I said but I think I told her that the Dr had lost her mind and told me that Brooklynn only had days to live. After I said it out loud I begin to cry. I knew what she told me was truth, I just didn't know how to process it.
I then called Timmy and by this time I was all to pieces. He told me to stay there and he would come get me but I couldn't take my hand off the wheel or my foot off the pedal. It was all stuck and I was frozen. I kept looking in my rear view mirror at Brooklynn thinking how can I tell her? How can I tell her that she only has days to live? Did I let her down? Did I not pray enough? And finally, ..How can I ever live without her? She had only spent 1 night away from us in her entire 10 almost 11 years! She slept with us every nite. If we ate she ate, If we went somewhere she went with us. We were nearly 1 whole person. Our whole life was to make her healthy and happy.
Timmy kept calling me and finally told me to stop at Nanna and Poppas and wait there on him. He had called them and when I got there they were waiting outside. I let go of that steering wheel and stepped out and when I did my legs felt like spaghetti. I couldn't walk. I couldn't think. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.
I still today don't remember how we got there but somehow we got home. When we pulled in there were several of our close friends there from church. I think Pastor Mark was there too. I told them the news and how that Brooklynn only had days to live. I remember them saying what can we do and this is what I replied. " I know that Brooklynn will be ok. I'm praying that God will miraculously heal her but if he chooses to take her and leave me here..don't let me die too. What I meant by that was this...Don't let me be left here a dead woman on the inside, locked in my room, laying in bed, living life but not doing a thing for God and his kingdom. Don't let me grieve myself to death and die spiritually.
That night Timmy and I bought a blow up mattress, laid it in the living room floor and we took turns sleeping. The next morning I got Brooke up, got her dressed and Timmy took her to school singing her favorite songs just like Dr. Cottrill told us to.
I was in total and complete shock to the point that I was literally out of my mind. I went to the office, walked in looked at everyone and walked straight back to my office. I set there and stared at the wall for an hour. I then got up walked to the front and looked at Nicole and said,"You are never going to believe what the Dr told us yesterday, she told us Brooklynn has days to live." I remember her asking me if I was ok. I think I said, "I'm going home". I cant really remember I just remember crying and seeing tears running down her face too. I have always hated storms especially driving in them. I called my dad to tell him the news.I dreaded calling him worse than anything in this world. Him and Brooke were best buddies and I didn't think he would be strong enough to survive. It was a heart wrenching conversation to say the least. When I hung up the phone with him I looked around and I was lost on a back road way out somewhere in Nancy and it was coming a horrible storm. I've always been very scared of bad storms but not that day. I looked up at the sky and thought what can be worse than what we are going through..... let it storm.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
#15 The news that no parent ever wants to hear- part 1
As I mentioned in my last blog it was Brooklynns last year at Southern Elem at I was so worried about how she would make it at middle school with Ms. Linda. In was leaning more and more toward the idea of just quitting my job and staying home with her when suddenly things took a different turn.
Brooklynn's hip had become increasingly worse. After 3 or 4 sets of the injections sadly they were no longer working. Her hip was so painful that she had to sleep sitting straight up on the couch with her leg propped up every night and I slept right beside her. She had had her birthday party right before school started and everyone commented on how swollen she was. I hadn't noticed it but now looking back at her birthday pictures I don't know how I missed it, she weighed 105lbs!. People would constantly say, "what are you going to do, she is getting so big?" I would say, "God is going to work it out, I trust him., " Or i would say, " Maybe Ill just strap her to my belt and put roller skates on her". I didn't worry one time about the next day or even that day. God had brought her this far and I knew he would continue to take care of her. As long as he had given us the strength to lift her that's what we would do.
Finally her Dr at Shriners said that we were out of options with her hip. We would have to consult her heart dr to see if she could have the surgery.We were so excited to see her heart doctor. She had been her doctor for years and was in a wheel chair too.She adored Brooke along with all of her patients. After a catch-up session she did an echo cardiogram on her heart and said it looked good, all except for her right valve that was leaking a little. That was minor tho compared to what all had been done to her heart. I told her our concerns and she said something to me that made me feel like all the world got quiet and listened. She said, "Millie, what is worse? Living like she is in this pain or dying? What is wrong with going to Heaven anyway? I thought about that and I said you are right. I mean we live our whole life to get to heaven but then we are scared to death to go there?? It doesn't really make sense does it. Even though I thought that, I knew that God wouldn't let her die. To me, she was indestructible. She had lived through everything under the sun from chicken pox to pneumonia. She was 10 yrs old and had been in the hospital 7 out of those 10 yrs.
I informed her that Brooke was going to live a long life of good health and prosperity according to my prayers, so she said , "Well then, if she is going to live a long life we need to get her fixed." But before I could even schedule her for surgery things started happening. I picked her up from school that week and she was terribly sleepy, so sleepy in fact that she was drinking...got strangled... and couldn't even wake up to cough. Both of her feet were swollen the size of footballs, and her teachers thought she was having small seizures at school. Just a few months before that she had had a major seizure on Timmy and I that landed her an extensive stay in the hospital.
So, I made her an appointment at her local dr here to see what was going on. She looked at her and said that she felt like her hip was infected. I know that everyone makes mistakes and doctors really just guess like we do but something was not feeling right deep inside. God allows a mother to know when their children are sick and I knew something was wrong. I called her heart doctor and she immediately told me to bring her in. Timmy couldn't go with me that day so Greg (nanna n poppas son) went with me. After all, we had just been there the week before and everything was perfect. She would just check her out, give her some meds and we would be on our merry way. That's not quiet what happened.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. Here I was playing with Brooke as usual in a room that was grey with no windows. The nurse walked in, asked me some questions, I answered them. Nothing unusual just the same old stuff. Then came Dr Cottrill, she said "How is my baby and what is going on?" I told her about her sleeping so much and how her feet were swollen. She asked me if she could step out for a minute, I said yes.
I thought that odd but thought there must have been an emergency, no big deal. A few minutes later she came back in but not by herself. This time she had a nurse with her. She said, " Millie,you need to set down.I don't know how to tell you this but there comes a time in children like Brooke's life that Jesus just needs them in heaven and he calls them home." "What???? Are you crazy?" I thought. The only way describe that moment was like this..I felt like I was in a bad dream and those walls were falling in on me and there was no way out. It was as if someone was playing a really bad joke on me and they would jump out any minute and there would be some relief. After I took a minute to really grasp hold of what she was saying I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She then repeated herself. After I listened to the whole thing again and a little more I said," How can you tell me this. How can you possibly know how long she will live? You haven't ran one test on her you haven't even done blood work and your looking at her telling me that she is going to die." I don't know if I was mad, in disbelief or just in total shock. She then looked at me and said something I never expected. She said, " Millie, the reason I know this is because my daughter was just like Brooke and she died of the very same thing."
I was absolutely speechless. At that moment, I knew that she knew exactly what she was talking about.
Brooklynn's hip had become increasingly worse. After 3 or 4 sets of the injections sadly they were no longer working. Her hip was so painful that she had to sleep sitting straight up on the couch with her leg propped up every night and I slept right beside her. She had had her birthday party right before school started and everyone commented on how swollen she was. I hadn't noticed it but now looking back at her birthday pictures I don't know how I missed it, she weighed 105lbs!. People would constantly say, "what are you going to do, she is getting so big?" I would say, "God is going to work it out, I trust him., " Or i would say, " Maybe Ill just strap her to my belt and put roller skates on her". I didn't worry one time about the next day or even that day. God had brought her this far and I knew he would continue to take care of her. As long as he had given us the strength to lift her that's what we would do.
Finally her Dr at Shriners said that we were out of options with her hip. We would have to consult her heart dr to see if she could have the surgery.We were so excited to see her heart doctor. She had been her doctor for years and was in a wheel chair too.She adored Brooke along with all of her patients. After a catch-up session she did an echo cardiogram on her heart and said it looked good, all except for her right valve that was leaking a little. That was minor tho compared to what all had been done to her heart. I told her our concerns and she said something to me that made me feel like all the world got quiet and listened. She said, "Millie, what is worse? Living like she is in this pain or dying? What is wrong with going to Heaven anyway? I thought about that and I said you are right. I mean we live our whole life to get to heaven but then we are scared to death to go there?? It doesn't really make sense does it. Even though I thought that, I knew that God wouldn't let her die. To me, she was indestructible. She had lived through everything under the sun from chicken pox to pneumonia. She was 10 yrs old and had been in the hospital 7 out of those 10 yrs.
I informed her that Brooke was going to live a long life of good health and prosperity according to my prayers, so she said , "Well then, if she is going to live a long life we need to get her fixed." But before I could even schedule her for surgery things started happening. I picked her up from school that week and she was terribly sleepy, so sleepy in fact that she was drinking...got strangled... and couldn't even wake up to cough. Both of her feet were swollen the size of footballs, and her teachers thought she was having small seizures at school. Just a few months before that she had had a major seizure on Timmy and I that landed her an extensive stay in the hospital.
So, I made her an appointment at her local dr here to see what was going on. She looked at her and said that she felt like her hip was infected. I know that everyone makes mistakes and doctors really just guess like we do but something was not feeling right deep inside. God allows a mother to know when their children are sick and I knew something was wrong. I called her heart doctor and she immediately told me to bring her in. Timmy couldn't go with me that day so Greg (nanna n poppas son) went with me. After all, we had just been there the week before and everything was perfect. She would just check her out, give her some meds and we would be on our merry way. That's not quiet what happened.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. Here I was playing with Brooke as usual in a room that was grey with no windows. The nurse walked in, asked me some questions, I answered them. Nothing unusual just the same old stuff. Then came Dr Cottrill, she said "How is my baby and what is going on?" I told her about her sleeping so much and how her feet were swollen. She asked me if she could step out for a minute, I said yes.
I thought that odd but thought there must have been an emergency, no big deal. A few minutes later she came back in but not by herself. This time she had a nurse with her. She said, " Millie,you need to set down.I don't know how to tell you this but there comes a time in children like Brooke's life that Jesus just needs them in heaven and he calls them home." "What???? Are you crazy?" I thought. The only way describe that moment was like this..I felt like I was in a bad dream and those walls were falling in on me and there was no way out. It was as if someone was playing a really bad joke on me and they would jump out any minute and there would be some relief. After I took a minute to really grasp hold of what she was saying I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She then repeated herself. After I listened to the whole thing again and a little more I said," How can you tell me this. How can you possibly know how long she will live? You haven't ran one test on her you haven't even done blood work and your looking at her telling me that she is going to die." I don't know if I was mad, in disbelief or just in total shock. She then looked at me and said something I never expected. She said, " Millie, the reason I know this is because my daughter was just like Brooke and she died of the very same thing."
I was absolutely speechless. At that moment, I knew that she knew exactly what she was talking about.
Monday, April 4, 2011
#14 Boyfriends??? Seriously??
It was Brooklynns 5th grade yr at Southern and I was so sad. I couldn't help but worry about her moving on to Middle School. Especially when I realized that Ms. Linda couldn't go with her. I started praying the first day of school that God would do something miraculous so that I could either stay home with her or Ms. Linda could go. She had been at Southern 8 yrs total! 2 yrs of preschool, kindergarten and now she was a big 5th grader!! We were so proud of her and she had made sooooo many friends along the way and one little boy who thought she was pretty special..make that 2 little boys.
Shelby who is an awesome little boy was and had been her BFF since 1st grade. He was in a wheelchair too and reminded me so much of Brooklynn. The teacher would snap pics of them laying side by side, holding hands!! They cracked me up. Neither of them could talk but the new exactly what each other was saying. One day I picked Brooklynn up and she and Shelby were sitting side by side in their wheelchairs. I released her brake and I noticed that she still wasn't going. I looked down and Shelby had a hold of her. I said, "Shelby, it's me.Can I take Brooke home with me?" He looked at me and smiled and let go. On the way home I said,"ah ah Brookie, you and Shelby love each other." I looked in the rear view mirror at her and she was rolling her eyes!!
Then came Jeremy. He could walk and talk he just functioned at a lower level. When he talked he sounded just like Forrest Gump. When Timmy would take her to school in the mornings he was there to great them. He would say in his Forrest Gump voice and accent,"what kind of van do you Timmy." Timmy would say, "I have a Chevy with a lift for Brooke's wheelchair Jeremy, why?" "Well, I was needing to borrow it. Me and Brookie are going fishing down at the pond." "You are?" Timmy would say. "Yep, she loves me and I love her. I'm going to build me a cabin for us and were gonna get us a van just like yours so I can take her places."
It was the funniest conversations you have ever heard. One morning he met him and said, "I was talking to Brookie yesterday and she said she sure does love you.....now you tell me that she loves me." Timmy said "Jeremy Brookie said she loves you too." It was so much fun just to hear what he had to say every morning and listen to him talk. I told Timmy that even tho Brooke didn't talk I felt like God allowed them to communicate. He is just good like that.
That year started off so wonderful but Brooklynn's health started to deteriorate. We didn't notice it at the time, but looking back at pictures you could see how swollen she really was. It wouldn't be too much longer that we would receive the news that no parent ever ever wants to hear.
Shelby who is an awesome little boy was and had been her BFF since 1st grade. He was in a wheelchair too and reminded me so much of Brooklynn. The teacher would snap pics of them laying side by side, holding hands!! They cracked me up. Neither of them could talk but the new exactly what each other was saying. One day I picked Brooklynn up and she and Shelby were sitting side by side in their wheelchairs. I released her brake and I noticed that she still wasn't going. I looked down and Shelby had a hold of her. I said, "Shelby, it's me.Can I take Brooke home with me?" He looked at me and smiled and let go. On the way home I said,"ah ah Brookie, you and Shelby love each other." I looked in the rear view mirror at her and she was rolling her eyes!!
Then came Jeremy. He could walk and talk he just functioned at a lower level. When he talked he sounded just like Forrest Gump. When Timmy would take her to school in the mornings he was there to great them. He would say in his Forrest Gump voice and accent,"what kind of van do you Timmy." Timmy would say, "I have a Chevy with a lift for Brooke's wheelchair Jeremy, why?" "Well, I was needing to borrow it. Me and Brookie are going fishing down at the pond." "You are?" Timmy would say. "Yep, she loves me and I love her. I'm going to build me a cabin for us and were gonna get us a van just like yours so I can take her places."
It was the funniest conversations you have ever heard. One morning he met him and said, "I was talking to Brookie yesterday and she said she sure does love you.....now you tell me that she loves me." Timmy said "Jeremy Brookie said she loves you too." It was so much fun just to hear what he had to say every morning and listen to him talk. I told Timmy that even tho Brooke didn't talk I felt like God allowed them to communicate. He is just good like that.
That year started off so wonderful but Brooklynn's health started to deteriorate. We didn't notice it at the time, but looking back at pictures you could see how swollen she really was. It wouldn't be too much longer that we would receive the news that no parent ever ever wants to hear.
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