The best kiss I ever got

The best kiss I ever got

Monday, January 31, 2011

#5 God's amazing grace

Our stay continued in the hospital for what seemed like forever. Because of the stroke Brooklynn's immune system was very weak leaving her open to everything coming and going. At one point I remember her fever was 106+ . The nurses were all over the place throwing things racing to get her temperature down. I had never seen a temp that high so all I could do was just stand there dazed. We were suppose to be on our way home until all of this had started and everyone had thought we were home so I was surprised when my telephone rang. I just reached over and picked it up and it was a lady from church. She said, "Millie, the lord laid it on my heart to call and pray for Brooklynn is she sick". I muttered, "yes". She began to pray and Brooklynns fever immediately began to drop. I remember hearing her pray about Peters mother in law in the bible having a fever and how they prayed and it broke. God was so amazing that he had her to call right at that specific time and pray that specific prayer. As soon as that was over she was introduced to RSV. I'm sure every mother that read this gasped because it is such an ugly respiratory virus that results in death if the baby is young and cannot fight it off. Back to ICU we went but this time we were in isolation. Every 2 hours the respiratory therapist would come in and run a small tube down into her lungs to suction them out so she could breath and in between that I had a little suction cup that I would stand and pat her lungs with to try and break some of secretions up with. It was so sad to watch her lay there and barely be able to breath. The doctors really thought she had very little chance of surviving it but she did. I prayed constantly over her and God once again brought her through. I would sit and talk to Brooklynn so much. The one thing I ALWAYS told her was "Brooklynn you can do this, God made you strong. He never taught you to swim to let you drown". She probably still hears me telling her that today in Heaven!
We spent about 8 months there after the stroke.. well on and off about 8 months. We would come home for a week and then she would have to go back and stay for a couple of weeks. During our time home we hardly ever had any visitors. Had it not been for God we would've been so lonely. I remember I would be so tired that I would walk into walls while carrying her, once I fell asleep rocking her at the hospital and nearly dropped her in the floor. If she cried I would just pray and ask God what it was and he would show me. I was still married but we never saw each other much. I spent most of my time caring for Brooklynn and it was better that way. He would make rude comments like "he didn't know why I talked to her, should didn't understand and would never be anything". I use to get so mad I would cry. I had asked a couple of people from church if they would just come and visit but everyone told me the same thing, that they couldn't bare to look at her. One woman even told me that she couldn't come because she had pms. Not me, I loved looking at her. Yes she did look a little different. You could tell that she was now handicapped. Her hands were starting to turn in and her feet. The most distinctive thing was her eyes. The stroke had affected the part of her brain that controlled her vision. So, when you looked at her one eye would be looking up and the other would be to the side. I had taken her to the eye Dr in Lexington who had told me that she would never ever see and that her eyes would never line up. One day I was driving down the road talking to her and I just began sobbing. I pulled off and this is what I prayed, "God, please let her be able to see me, please let her be able to see the one who loves her so much". That week during therapy her therapist noticed that she was beginning to track things with her eyes. Later on they slowly began to line up!!! God is so good.I took her back to that very same doctor who now said she CAN see. I made him write it out in a report so I could hang it up at church for everyone to see.Jesus said he who has eyes let him see and he who has ears let him hear. Jesus knew that we all had eyes and we all had ears, that is not what he meant. He meant spiritual eyes and spiritual ears. Ears that were sensitive to him and his people. Eyes that could see him in everything especially his hurting people. Me & Brooklynn and Timmy went to the lake with his brother one Sunday afternoon. We were parked on the bank letting Brooklynn see the fish and the water. After a few minutes I noticed this big ugly deformed looking fish floating on the water. I yelled and asked him what it was. He grabbed a stick and pulled it in. It was a huge fish with a broken back. He grabbed and taunted me with it. Then he had a stick poking at it. He then through it back into the water. I knew God was showing me something but what? What could I learn from a broken down ugly fish....this is what God told me. Later that night he said this, "Millie, I've made you a fisherman of men. The fish that you catch may be ugly, broken down and not fair to look upon. Their backs are broken down by the cares and the weight of the world. Don't beat them up or make fun of them. You just catch them and Ill skin them and use them".
In this blog I don't want people to think I was perfect  because I was far from it. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life. But, I was determined that I would be the very best for Brooklynn that I could be because she was mine. God gave her to me and I loved her more than life itself. So what if she looked a little different. I use to say, she may not be perfect but who is. I dressed her everyday whether we were going to church or just in the hospital for a lengthy stay. She deserved to be treated as anyone else I would not have it any other way. She may have been handicapped but God used her and he will use you too no matter what kind of fish you maybe.

Monday, January 24, 2011

#4 The Second Diagnosis

I spent the night in the hallway outside the ICU door. After a few hours they let me go in and see her for 5 mins at a time. There were so many tubes and somewhere around 24 different meds, 12 of which were vital to her living. The next day she very slowly began to improve a little. She still never woke up. Me and the nurses were standing by her bed talking when suddenly she coded. They grabbed me and shoved me out the door and all I could say was JESUS JESUS. I was no longer out the door then they called me back in and said she was stable again. I whispered in her ear that if she did that to me again I would spank her.
Second day, she still a little better. She wouldn't wake up tho and if I tried to wake her she would shake and jerk. The nurse told me that it was all the medicine she was on and not to be alarmed. I asked the nurse what I needed to pray for that day and she said she needs to urinate because she hadn't since surgery and if she didn't then that was a sign she was shutting down. I said OK and prayed and right before our very eyes her little bag filled with urine. The nurse just laughed and shook her head. She said she believes in miracles now. Day 3 and 4 were a little better still she would not wake up. I hung pictures of herself on her bed to try to get her attention but nothing. I told the nurses and they said they would have the Dr who makes rounds to check her out. That night I was of course by myself, and the Dr came in. He ran same tests and asked that I call my Pastor and my family to come in that morning because he needed to talk to us. Now, there was 3 rooms in that hospital that I remember very well..the Chapel where I spent most of my time, the ICU, and the "bad news room" where they took people in and they came out crying. That's where he wanted to meet, in that room. The next morning there we were. I remember that the Dr was crying so hard that I was more worried about him than what he had to say. He looked me center in the eyes and said it is really bad. When I looked back through your daughters surgery notes I saw where the surgeon accidentally poked a whole in her heart when he was closing her up and she had been dead for 20 mins! During that time her brain got no oxygen to it therefore she suffered a massive stroke. The worst stroke I have ever seen in all of my years of doctoring. You have today to let me know if you want to just take her off of the ventilator and let her die. I asked him what kind of damage had been done and he said, "she will never walk, talk, breath on her own, basically she will be a vegetable and you will have to take care of her the rest of your life". He then said, "don't look at those pictures on her bed because that is not the same baby you have now". I called mom and dad and all my family and told them. They were soon on their way. Meanwhile I went to my favorite place..the Chapel. I layed on the floor with my face laying on an open bible. I remember it like it happened yesterday. I said, "please please show me what to do". Then I knew what to do. The absolutely hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I said, 'Lord, Brooklynn is yours. If you choose to let me keep her I will be so thankful but if you have to take her I will still serve you no matter what". I got up and headed for the door and as I grabbed that door handle I heard his voice so clearly and it was a scripture I had never heard. He said she will live and not die and declare my works!! I ran upstairs and mom and dad was there. The nurses were trying to convince them to have me turn off the ventilator. Dad asked me what I had decided and I told him what God had said and he said OK then, that's what we will believe. I loved my dad because he would uphold me no matter what. So when the nurses would try to talk to him he would say no that's what God told her.
The next day the Dr came in and asked me my decision. I told him what had happened and he was almost angry. He said " well, your not going to get a  miracle, you wont wake up in the morning and get a million dollars", and I said, " I may not wake up and have a million dollars but if I save my money over a period of time Ill get my million, God may not heal her tonight, but he can heal her a little each day". He just shook his head and walked away.  The next few days you would have thought we had committed a crime. The nurses would hardly speak and the Dr def wouldn't. I couldn't understand why they were so upset. Just because she wasn't perfect they thought she shouldn't be allowed to live. And for those of you who are wondering about the surgeon who did all of this, he resigned the day after her surgery. They really felt silly the next day when the little girl who would never breath on her own was over breathing the ventilator. The Dr said he would have to take her off because she would no longer need it. YAY! We were ecstatic. But then the devil tried to raise his ugly head again. The heart Dr said that her foot was purple and that there had been not heart beat in it the past few days. The only option would be to remove it unless they could hear a heartbeat in it soon. I stood up and said, Devil you are not getting her leg. That evening guess what??? There was a heartbeat. It wasn't to much longer until Brookie could be moved to her very own room. You would have thought we had moved to The Hilton. I was so tired of sleeping in the chairs and so was my sisters, lol. We got to the floor but Brooklynn was far from recovered. She was still blind in both eyes. When she looked at you one eye would go up and the other to the side. They wouldn't even line up. She could not cry she meowed like a newborn cat, she couldn't swallow or even suck a pacifier. It really was horrific. One morning after praying I woke up and I said, today Brooklynn is going to eat. I called my family up, even my granny came. I asked the nurse to make her a bottle. She thought I had lost it, I guess they all did but she still fixed it just to see what would happen. I blessed it and Brooklynn took two little sucks. That night she ate a little more. Before we knew it she was eating away. The nurses came from all floors to see this miracle. I remember one in particular who had been her nurse in ICU when she was born. Back then she had asked me if I believed in miracles. I told her yes. She said, "will you pray that I can have a baby, we have been trying for years". I prayed. When she came to see the miracle of Brooklynn eating she said, "I have been off work but I wanted to tell you, I am 4 months pregnant!" God is so faithful. I look back and see all of the miracles God did.One right after the other and I think, why don't we see miracles like that now. That was only 15 yrs ago but alot has changed in 15 yrs. Yes God still does miracles but we don't have time to pray for them much less wait to hear if he speaks to us. I am as guilty as anyone. Especially now having a busy job and busy 3yrd old, then there are cell phones, laptops and facebook to keep us preoccupied. Today I challenge you to stop. Stop if even for a min or so and pray for something big. Something that only God can do. Then wait to see if he speaks to you or just wait to see the miracle happen!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Post #3 The worst thing that could happen did

Now here we are again, eagerly awaiting to hear from the Dr is the surgery waiting area. I hate to say it but I hated that place. They would call and say, "go to the red phone" and for us, everytime we picked up that red phone it was bad news. So they call, I go to the red phone and the nurse tells us that they are unable to complete the surgery due to infection. She also tells me that during surgery the surgeon cuts one of her limp nodes and now instead of a 4 day hospital stay we will need 6WEEKS! The nurses in the ICU unit had become great friends to us. There was one time that I will never forget. Brooke was taking a bottle and she got choked, I freaked out and yelled for the nurse. When she walked in I handed her Brooke. She was a fiesty little african american nurse (Valerie) and she looked at me and handed her right back to me and said,
"She your baby not mine, you better learn to deal with it". Now some people would be offended but I was glad she said it. I went back to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I heard God speak a scripture to me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". From that day foward I knew that God would teach me to take care of her and that I didnt have to live in fear. We stay our 6 weeks and they released us to come home. Her oxygen levels were low (80-85) and she could only live 6-8months like that. They told us to keep her away from germs and dont let her cry. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Everytime she would cry I would pray and cry that she didnt die. There were a couple of times that we had to call an ambulance and take her to the hospital because she would turn blue and faint. If this wasnt enough to deal with I was married to a very abusive husband and then there was the financial cost of staying at the hospital all the time and not working . But God took care of us. He ALWAYS provided everything we needed.
At Brooke's 5 month appoint we recieved the news that she could not go on any more. Her oxygen was now at 75 and she stayed blue. She was just learning to smile and laugh and we were having a blast. The day before her surgery she pulled me around to her by my hair and said "momma". I was sooo excited. The day of the check in for surgery came and I had the worst sickest feeling. I felt like I knew something bad was going to happen but there was no way for me to stop it. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. That was the saddest day of my life. We got up that morning and Brooklynn reached up to hug me as if she was saying bye. She wouldnt let anyone hold her but me and when they took off with her to surgery I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. I just sat in the floor and cried.
1 hour went by and we got a call (on that red phone) that she was ok. 2 hours went call. 3 call. I begged the receptionist to call back there. Finally we get a call that there have been some problems when they closed her up and now they were going back in.  Then a few hours later another call came that they had to go in again and that they didnt think she made it. Finally after 12 horrible hours the dr came in. I looked at him and asked if she was alive and he said Yes. I said will she be ok  and he said, "I hope so Im tired of fooling with her". I didnt care tho. He could have smacked me across the face and I wouldnt have cared as long as I knew she was alive. They told us to wait upstairs and we could see her. We could only see her for a few minutes because she was so critical. They gave her only hours to live but never told us what had happened. I walked in and there was a little 12lb girl who was so swollen from being on the heart lung machine so many times that her ears folded. She had blood splats all over her face and I just stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs. I came out of there screaming. I was so mad at God. I remember saying"why are you doing this to me, why? She is not going to die God, you promised if I believed you she would live, YOU PROMISED!!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Post #2 The Diagnosis

So off they went. Brooklynn was taken to UK and I was still in the hospital. The nurse told me if I could take a few steps on my own then they would release me to go. 15 hours after giving birth I was signing discharge papers. They gave me instructions to go home, pack lots of clothes and they would call me at my parents house to let me know what was going on and that she was ok until I could get there. I packed my clothes, my sister drove me to my parents and I sat there and waited on that phone call.
And then it came. It was the Pediatric Heart Specialist telling me that Brooklynn had 6 major heart defects. I was barely 19, I thought heart defects and trouble was only for older people who had lived long lives.not newborns. It appeared that the blood in her heart flowed completely backwards, the main two tubes running into her heart in a figure 8 were running straight up and down and the only way the blood was mixing was through several holes in her heart, one very large. Also to top things off she had a aretery to large and one to small and a payton ductus. Shew now try to tell that at every drs appointment!
Needless to say at this point I am overwhelmed. I remember so plainly walking next door to my sisters front porch and just sitting there staring, trying to take all of this in when  my dad came and sat beside me. He was a big tall man 6ft 4 with big long arms and great big hands. Dad was a christian but he wasnt going to church  much and had not had all the teachings on faith and healing. He wrapped that big arm around me and began crying almost uncontrollably and said "Baby girl, its going to be ok, God will take care of her". And we sat there and cried together. It was almost as if God himself was holding me through those big arms.
My sister had gotten all of her stuff ready and was ready to go. I remember on the way up there falling asleep and having one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had. There I was in a huge crowd of people and they were screaming and shouting, throwing things and I was in the main back. I was pressing in closer and closer to try to understand what they were saying and why they were being so violent. And then I heard those wrenching words "Crucify him"! Who were they crucifying, I was jumping up and down trying to see over the shoulders of the hundreds of people in front of me. I caught a glimpse of the top of a mans head and he was stooped over. I woke up and my heart was racing. It was Jesus! And I heard the Lord speak to me as if he was sitting right in front of me and he said, "You can either believe what the Dr's said or you can believe what I did on the cross". I said Lord, "I believe you".
We arrived at the hospital and they had to complete one procedure before I had gotten there. The doctor came in and said that she would have to have another surgery in 2 days. We went in for surgery that morning and they had to close her up due to her heart being so small and excess bleeding. Again I said, "Lord I trust you". A few days after the surgery I began to notice some green stuff leaking out of her incsion under her left arm. I told the nurses and they thought she maybe was spitting up in the bed. I was so worn and frustrated. Then the nurse that I called "the angel" came in. I showed her what was going on and how Brooklynns oxygen was dropping when she layed on one side. She immediately knew what it was. Gain green had set up in her incision because the nurses had not been changing her bandages. On top of that, the Surgeon comes in and says, we have to do surgery tomorrow! "Tomorrow? but what about all of this infection? Will she be able to survive"? I asked. The surgeon told me that we had no choice. Her heart was flooding her lungs with blood and at this rate she would not survive anyway. It was total chaos in that room. The nurses were trying to get Brooklynn prepared, family members including myself were upset because of this infection and now surgery? I walked in the bathroom and shut the door. I needed to talk to God and fast! As I sat there in the quiet I heard and old hymn playing over in my mind, "on Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand". That was it! I was standing on that solid rock. I chose to believe what he did and not what my eyes was seeing. God was bigger than this sickness. Gone were the days of putting God in a box and saying, he can heal colds, he can heal headaches but can he heal hearts? Im here to say, YES he can and HE WILL! When I became a christian and called Jesus my Lord thats what I meant. I meant he is Lord of my life, my heart, my emotions and definately my child! I walked back into that room, picked up that little 5lb girl, looked her in those big brown eyes and said, "Brooklynn you can do this, your strong! God is going to help us through this. He will heal you!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Post #1 Brooklynn was born

I have decided after 4yrs I would finally begin a blog about what is is like to lose a child, especially a child as wonderful as Brooklynn. I also wanted to show people in a sense what it is to live and deal with that type of loss. First and foremost I want to say that without God I would have never survived. He has literally kept me alive and kept me going when I had no desire to do so. He has blessed me with an adorable, talkative 3yr old red-headed little girl who I simply adore.
Ok. so to start from the beginning, Brooklynn was my first born. I was only 19 and was in a horrible marriage, Brooklynn was an answered prayer. The day she was born the nurse laid her on my chest and I noticed she was blue and would stop breathing. I was alone at the hospital when the dr came in and told me that Brooklynn had a very serious health problem that they were unable to recognize and she would need to be be flown to UK. They asked me if I wanted to set with her in the nursery until the helicopter came in case she didnt live. I pulled myself up walked to the nursery and saw the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. I instanly fell in love with her. I talked to her and told her she was going to go for a ride but to be strong because I would not be far behind her. I prayed over her and the nurse snapped a picture of her for me to keep, case she didnt live. I kept that picture and have it in a frame. Everytime I see that picture it reminds me of how faithful God is. I went back to my room alone and was crying uncontrollably. The nurse heard me and came in and offered me medicine. I was scared to take it but she insisted since noone was getting any rest because of me lol. I remember laying there in the bed praying and feeling so lonely when suddenly I felt a hand pat my leg, I opened my eyes and noone was there. I know that was God sending me comfort when I felt so alone.
Life is filled with loneliness and dissapointments. We think life should be easy with no trials and no complications.The bible says "many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord will deliver them out of all of them". If you are a Christian you will have trials also have a way out..God. If life was easy then how would we ever see a need for him? How would we realize that he is all we need unless he is all we've got.