#22 Preparations

Every second of every day that we had left with Brooklynn was counted a gift. We kept our same routine, every morning she would get a bath, get dressed, and we would accessorize with her matching earrings and hairbows. And every minute those big brown eyes would open we would try to do as much with her as we possibly could. We would set her up in  her wheel chair and roll her to the front door and let her watch as her daddy planted flowers for her. Or sometimes we would just open the bedroom windows and let her look outside and listen to the birds. But there was no denying that she was become weaker by the day.
Her heart rate would go from 55 to 145. It was very sporadic and I know it was wearing her out. Sometimes she would wake up shaking almost convulsively and we would cover her in warm blankets, then 10 minutes later she would be sweating so bad that we would have to turn the temperature down low and put fans on her.
One thing that she would always do is look around the room as if she saw something and she would follow the objects with her eyes and smile. Her nurse said she was sure that she was seeing angels and I fell the exact same way. There was always so much peace in that room as Brooklynn  just laid there in sweet sleep. With time narrowing down Timmy and I had some tough decisions to make. Decisions that no parent ever wants to make. We had to decide where she would be buried. We had no idea where to begin to look. After reeling the ideas over and over in our minds we decided that she would be buried at Lakeside Memorial Gardens. It was so nice there and she loved to go to the lake so it was fitting that she be there. When we called to check on the lots the owner said that we both would have to go there so that we could sign all the necessary paperwork. Goldie stayed with Brooke while we went but before I left I informed Brooklynn that mommy and daddy had to go purchase some lake property but if it ended up that we didn't need it then mommy would put her real estate sign on it and sell it. She just smiled.
When we got to the cemetery the man took us out to show us the available spots. It was so hot that spring, unseasonably hot. I stood there at the end of that cemetery and just gazed across. Everything looked so dry. I remember thinking over and over that I didn't want to be there. As I stared at the dry crisp grass I thought why cant I just lay down here, it isn't natural for a parent to out live their child. Why do I have to go on? Just then I looked straight ahead and there was a large white angel with her arms stretched out. I asked if there were any lots near the angel and he said yes so that's where we decided she would be.
Later that day it was time to pick out her burial clothes. I had climbed those stairs a million times at our house but this time honestly felt like slow motion. I can remember every single stepped as I felt like I was marching to my doom. It was as if I was spiralling down hill and couldn't stop but...at the same time I felt God was holding my hand. It was as if he couldn't keep me from the pain but he would be right there with me and carry me through it.