The best kiss I ever got

The best kiss I ever got

Monday, January 17, 2011

Post #3 The worst thing that could happen did

Now here we are again, eagerly awaiting to hear from the Dr is the surgery waiting area. I hate to say it but I hated that place. They would call and say, "go to the red phone" and for us, everytime we picked up that red phone it was bad news. So they call, I go to the red phone and the nurse tells us that they are unable to complete the surgery due to infection. She also tells me that during surgery the surgeon cuts one of her limp nodes and now instead of a 4 day hospital stay we will need 6WEEKS! The nurses in the ICU unit had become great friends to us. There was one time that I will never forget. Brooke was taking a bottle and she got choked, I freaked out and yelled for the nurse. When she walked in I handed her Brooke. She was a fiesty little african american nurse (Valerie) and she looked at me and handed her right back to me and said,
"She your baby not mine, you better learn to deal with it". Now some people would be offended but I was glad she said it. I went back to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I heard God speak a scripture to me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". From that day foward I knew that God would teach me to take care of her and that I didnt have to live in fear. We stay our 6 weeks and they released us to come home. Her oxygen levels were low (80-85) and she could only live 6-8months like that. They told us to keep her away from germs and dont let her cry. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Everytime she would cry I would pray and cry that she didnt die. There were a couple of times that we had to call an ambulance and take her to the hospital because she would turn blue and faint. If this wasnt enough to deal with I was married to a very abusive husband and then there was the financial cost of staying at the hospital all the time and not working . But God took care of us. He ALWAYS provided everything we needed.
At Brooke's 5 month appoint we recieved the news that she could not go on any more. Her oxygen was now at 75 and she stayed blue. She was just learning to smile and laugh and we were having a blast. The day before her surgery she pulled me around to her by my hair and said "momma". I was sooo excited. The day of the check in for surgery came and I had the worst sickest feeling. I felt like I knew something bad was going to happen but there was no way for me to stop it. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. That was the saddest day of my life. We got up that morning and Brooklynn reached up to hug me as if she was saying bye. She wouldnt let anyone hold her but me and when they took off with her to surgery I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. I just sat in the floor and cried.
1 hour went by and we got a call (on that red phone) that she was ok. 2 hours went call. 3 call. I begged the receptionist to call back there. Finally we get a call that there have been some problems when they closed her up and now they were going back in.  Then a few hours later another call came that they had to go in again and that they didnt think she made it. Finally after 12 horrible hours the dr came in. I looked at him and asked if she was alive and he said Yes. I said will she be ok  and he said, "I hope so Im tired of fooling with her". I didnt care tho. He could have smacked me across the face and I wouldnt have cared as long as I knew she was alive. They told us to wait upstairs and we could see her. We could only see her for a few minutes because she was so critical. They gave her only hours to live but never told us what had happened. I walked in and there was a little 12lb girl who was so swollen from being on the heart lung machine so many times that her ears folded. She had blood splats all over her face and I just stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs. I came out of there screaming. I was so mad at God. I remember saying"why are you doing this to me, why? She is not going to die God, you promised if I believed you she would live, YOU PROMISED!!!

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